First Trimester!

This has been a ride! Pregnancy really is a wonderful gift that women have been given and I truly cherish it! But there are definitely some pro's and con's to pregnancy haha! I have loved every second of this journey so far. (Ok, not EVERY second) But, no body really warns you about the weird stuff that happens during pregnancy haha. Probably because they don't want to talk about it......I don't blame them. But, I am not one of those keep to myself kind of people! Let me tell you some of the "fun" stuff I've endured so far!

First of all I haven't had really any morning sickness! Thank heavens! I have had my moments where, if I don't eat something right when I'm hungry I get a little gaggy but nothing like, "Move out of the way! She's gonna blow!", type of stuff haha. I thank Heavenly Father for this blessing because I HATE throwing up and I HATE feeling sick. He probably knows that I'm a huge baby and that I will drive Dallas crazy with my constant whining and that I would probably use it as a constant excuse to not go to work......lol.

I am exhausted! And I mean exhausted! I just want to lay around and sleep a majority of the time! Which, when I have free tim,e that's pretty much what I do. Thank goodness for an understanding husband. He just lets me. He probably knows that if he didn't though he'd receive my wrath and he has openly admitted that he is scared of me right now haha. Our house was a mess for a week because I didn't have the energy to do anything. I didn't even have enough energy to care. Normally our house is spotless but I just couldn't muster it up. (I'm looking forward to the nesting stage, not gonna lie). Thankfully Dallas has stepped up and taken over the wifely duties or it would look like an episode of Hoarders over here! Okay, maybe not that bad.

I am breaking out like I'm in high school again! Seriously! No one told me about that! I had to go figure out why that was happening! Thankfully it's just on my chest so no one can really see it but oh my gosh it is annoying! I haven't had a zit since high school and now all of a sudden it's zit city......yay......

I can't lay in bed for more than 15 minutes without having to pee. I mean I could go 2 hours without drinking anything before bed and it doesn't freaking matter. I lay down, I get comfortable, I have to get right back up and go pee! This is probably my most annoying symptom! Haha.

I have mood swings! Yesterday I was in a bad mood. Do I have a reason? Nope, I was just mad. And I didn't like people. But, Dallas says pregnancy really suits me. He says this is the best I've ever been with my mood and eating habits and such. I must have been an emotional mess before that! Sorry babe! haha

I'm not going to get started on the constipation. Just know it's there and it's not fun haha.

There are other symptoms that I'm not going to delve into because they can be uncomfortable to describe! haha. But yes, my chest hurts. Yes, I had to buy a new bra after just having got a new one 2 months ago because that one doesn't fit anymore. Yes, I have more.....cough, cough.......gas.....K, I think we're good! haha

We get to here Smush's heartbeat on the 13th and I am SOOO excited! I can't even tell you! And then Dallas and I have decided to go and get a 4D ultrasound to find out the gender around Christmas because we don't want to wait til 20 weeks because we are impatient!

Yes I have had cravings. A majority of the time I want cereal! I loves me some fries and mashed potatoes but I try not to give into those cravings too much. I love grapes, clementines, and pickles of course. I crave root beer a lot but, again, I try not to give into that one.

I hate meat! I can stand to eat chicken sometimes but anything else..keep it away from me! haha. I do not like sweets! Sweets like cakes, cookies, ice creams. All that good stuff that people love! Yup, don't bring it to me because I won't eat it.

I have been showing a little bit but it's not really obvious to anyone but Dallas and I. I'm not going to lie! I can't wait til I get a big ol' bump! haha!

We are so excited for this baby! We can't wait til we can hold them in our arms and take care of them! We love you all and are excited to take you on this journey with us!


We're having a baby!

Can you believe it?? We are finally receiving our little blessing and we couldn't be MORE thrilled about it! We have been praying fervently for this and the Lord has answered our prayers. I'm sorry I haven't posted on here for a while but I knew I would give it away some how if I did. I'm surprised no one suspected anything because of the lack of posting lol.

So, I guess y'all want to hear the story? Well first of all, it's funny cause the last post was made the day before I found out! So, I was obviously dead wrong haha. Anyway, I was driving home from work when I had this feeling to take a pregnancy test. I didn't want to because I had been cramping for a couple of days even though the cramping felt kind of odd. It wasn't like my normal period cramping. But the feeling I had got stronger that I needed to take a test so I gave in and bough one. I drove home and went and took the test and I put it on the counter and went into the kitchen. I had HUGE butterflies in my stomach. Why was I doing this to myself? I knew it was going to be negative. I really REALLY did not want to look at it because I could not handle another negative test. So, I straightened up the house a little bit and just kind of paced around and then I finally decided to go look. I walked in the bathroom looking up at the ceiling and when I looked down at the test I saw a second line! WHAT?! I was freaking out! I was screaming "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" Poor Koda had his ears flat on his head and was like what's going on? haha. I was like I can't believe I'm not crying! I then realized that my face was soaking wet. I was crying! I was just so overcome with shock and euphoria that I didn't even realize it! I snapped myself out of it and remembered, "Okay I can't just take one test!" So I took the other one and went into my room and waited. I came back like 2 minutes later and there it was! A second line again! HOLY CRAP! I AM PREGNANT!! It finally worked! We finally did it! haha. Dallas was at school and I was freaking out! I also had my visiting teachers coming over in 30 minutes. Poor things I was acting so weird. I was shaking and had a huge smile on my face. They were probably like, "What is wrong with this girl." I kept texting Dallas "Come home!" He was confused. I'm surprised he didn't catch on. Finally he walked in the door like an hour and a half after I found out and, yeah I was dying, I gave him a little gift bag. He opened it and out fell the pregnancy tests. He looked at the tests, then at me, then at the tests, then at me haha. He didn't say a single word. He just started to tear up and hugged me. Finally he said "How do you feel?" Haha. He's so cute!

I called my mom and told her that she and Dad needed to get on skype. As soon as they did I held up the test and said, "I'm pregnant!" They were like NO WAY! haha. My dad's reaction was funny. He just sat there with wide eyes, his hair getting grayer by the second. We talked for a while and my mom gave me some advice. Then Dallas and I went to Walgreens and found a card with Justin Bieber on the front and when you opened it, it sang "Baby, Baby, Baby Oh!" So we wrote on the front "Guess what? We're having a..." Shannon jumped up and hugged me and started crying and Bryan was just like "That's awesome!"

I was 4 weeks when I found out and I went in for blood tests immediately cause I had issues getting pregnant in the first place. They found my progesterone levels were dropping slowly so they put me on progesterone cream. I feel now that I was having that feeling to take a pregnancy test because I needed to be put on progesterone to make sure the baby was okay. We got an Ultrasound at 8 weeks and saw our perfect little peanut with it's wonderful heartbeat! So baby is doing great! We can't wait to find out what we're having! haha We're so impatient. I am now 9 weeks and will be 10 weeks on Wednesday!

We feel so blessed to be bringing this baby into our lives! We know it was all on the Lord's time and that He has a plan for us. We feel really good about this pregnancy and that everything will be okay. We know we are meant to have this baby! We appreciate all of the AMAZING support we've had and the prayers! They did the trick. Thank you to everyone for the well wishes! We are so excited! We have plenty more posts to come to talk about our "little smush!" (That's our nickname for baby until we find out what we're having! haha) We love you all and continue to pray for those who are still struggling to have a baby of their own. You are not alone and we know what you're going through. The Lord truly has a plan for all of us. People with PCOS and Endometriosis there is definitely hope! Technology now a days is amazing! Whether through a fertility specialist or a place like "The Health Spot", which worked for us! Again thank you all and love to everyone! :)

STUPID COMPUTERS!

Seriously! Computers piss me off! I have been trying to post for days now but our web browser wouldn't let me pull up my blog. ?!?!? Because it's stupid! I was so irritated! We had to uninstall and re install the browser for it to let me access certain things. I could have just posted on the iPad, but you know me. I ramble and it would take me hours to post on that thing. I would just be sitting there poking at the screen trying to make a sentence. Nope, not happenin. I am too lazy for that crap. So I just waited until we could fix the problem on our precious laptop. But seriously, we need to replace this thing. The webcam doesn't work anymore cause something came loose so I can't skype with my fam. Some of the USB ports don't work and it's getting a little slow. We've had to get this fixed so many times, it's just, it's time! I'm becoming exasperated! I wish I were rich or had a fairy godmother so that I could wish for a Macbook Pro or Air. But nope, I am poor and I can't afford that stuff. Boo.

Well now I am done with my computer rant :). So, who watched General Conference? I DID! Let me just tell you, President Eyring's talk was EXACTLY what I needed. Wow, I cried like a little baby. Seriously. Like the snot and tears running down my face and staining my shirt kind of crying. It was cute. Ok, on a more serious note his talk really was beautiful. I really did need it and the tears were really flowin. It changed my outlook a lot. Well, kind of because I am human and I did get extremely angry last night cause I'm cramping so I'm not prego and I also can't handle peoples UNBELIEVABLE insensitivity anymore! Seriously, if I hear one more person say that they don't really feel ready to be a mom and their pregnant or ask me if we're still even trying?!?! Are you kidding me?! Who asks that? Yes, moron, we are still trying! Sorry we didn't get as lucky as you two fertile folks and get pregnant right away. But with some people it takes a little longer. Which by the way if you're not keeping count like I am it's been a year! Whoa dang! I remember a year ago when my obgyn was like, "When you've been trying for a year come back in and we'll start looking into some options." and I just laughed and though oh no of course not. That won't be us. We'll definitely be pregnant before than. BOY WAS I WRONG! lol. But it's ok. The Lord has a different time table than I do. I need to trust him. But, I'm far from perfect and will probably continue to have my moments of anger and bitterness.

Let me just tell you though. My husband has been my absolute rock through all of this! He has been amazing! He holds me every time I cry and he doesn't say a word. He knows what he says won't make my PCOS go away or this trial go away and I'm grateful that he knows that I just need a shoulder to cry on. He takes me to do things all the time to keep me busy and keep my mind off of it. He took me to a pumpkin patch on Saturday because he listens to my constant complaints about us needing to do more fun holiday stuff lol. He was a good sport when we walked through Gardener Village because I just wanted to do something girly. He really did not want to see Pitch Perfect but I begged him and he took me because he knew it would make me happy (and he loved it) :). He will kiss me just because he loves me and he'll tell me I'm pretty without asking for something after like a new phone lol. This is one of the most difficult trials I have ever had to go through and I really don't think I could still keep my sanity if he weren't around. I'm sure it gets on his everlasting nerves to hear me complain every month that I'm not pregnant and say "Life's so not fair" or complain anytime I see a young girl with a big pregnant belly walk by. He just sits there and lets me rant and then says, "I know sweetie. But our time will come." He is just wonderful and I thank the Lord every single day for him. He has made me stronger and just an all around better person. Seriously, I am my absolute best with him. I love him more than life.

So, one last thing. I have made a decision and it's kind of a hard one but I know it's the right one. The Health Spot has truly helped me in more ways than I thought was possible. But, I will be doing this regimen I'm on for one more month and then I will be switching to Clomid if I'm not pregnant by then. The Health Spot does not take insurance to cover the supplements and this has taken much longer than was anticipated and has cost us a lot of money and we need to be saving up our money now in case we have to start looking into surgery, IUI, or IVF. Hopefully the Clomid will work before we have to start delving into that stuff. But we have to be financially prepared in case we have to. So prayers for us that this new approach will work for us. I will continue to take certain supplements to keep my anxiety and stress under control. But for my hormonal issues it's time to move on for now. Hopefully some day when we have more money I can go back. :)

Infertility

I have decided to write a post directed to infertility. To kind of give some people an insight on how it feels to be a person that can not conceive without help or possibly can not conceive at all. I've been debating about writing this for a while because I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak from my experience and how I feel being a woman suffering from infertility.

For those of you who don't know I have been diagnosed with PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which is a disorder that causes you not to release a mature egg each month (aka ovulation) so it forms a cyst instead. It mimics diabetes because you are insulin resistant. So I have been deemed infertile because I am unable to conceive without medical help.

I've heard infertility being called a "silent epidemic" Women and also men, yes there are men out there who do suffer from infertility, are reluctant to tell anyone about their infertility for lots of reasons, but when they keep it inside, they suffer alone. Infertility is a lonely place. It is a huge struggle that if you're not willing to share or confront that can be more than devastating. I have a spouse by my side who is unfortunately also suffering from this, even though he is not infertile and perfectly healthy, and I still feel alone sometimes. Not because he hasn't been there for me because he has. He has been my rock and my shoulder to cry on during this whole thing and I have for him on some days when he can't be strong for the both of us.

Why is infertility so hard? Here are some summarized reasons as to why:

If you are undergoing infertility treatment, your heart and soul aches for a baby. And I mean aches. Your heart is ripped to shreds every month when your hopes are up and then you find out that another month of your life has passed without your dream becoming a reality.

Your body is completely invaded. You are prodded, poked, inspected....every month. Sometimes every week. I've had my blood drawn. I've had cultures. I've had Transvaginal ultrasounds. Not my idea of a fun time people. Not at all.

You can become bitterly jealous, angry, and even resentful. I have to check myself at the door every so often. It's no one's fault that I'm not able to get pregnant. If I'm having a difficult day it will seem like every woman I see is pregnant or has a new born baby. I want to ask people sometimes, "did you even have to try?" or, "do you know what it's like to have your heart wrecked every single month?" On a really hard day, I'll just close the door or lay on my couch, put my head in my hands, and just cry until I'm numb.

People don't know what to say or they don't even know and they come across as insensitive. Everyone is sure that they have the answer or the "magic cure" that will help you have a baby, but no amount of vacationing can heal this particular medical condition. If you are battling infertility, try to have a little grace for people you thinks are being insensitive. I know I have to remind myself to give them a pass because even though I feel like they're intentionally being the biggest most insensitive jerk in the world, lol, they're really not. They don't know. So have grace for them and I'm sure they'll have a little grace for you when you have your bitter moments.

It seems sooo unfair. If you know you would be a good mother (or if you're battling with secondary infertility and know you are a good mother). If your heart yearns for a lot of children, a big family, that you can love and nurture. I fyou know that you will do your best to teach your children how to be productive, respectful, loving, empathetic, adorable little creatures. If you see people around you who don't appreciate their children. Then you start to wonder how life can just be so unfair. Why you got handed the crap card in this particular area. You're a good person right?

People just don't understand. Unless people go through it or until they do, heaven forbid, they don't get it. You WANT people to understand, but you would never wish this torment on anyone, not even your worst enemy. So you suffer alone so that you won't seem whiney and depressed.

It is an emotional roller coaster. Ever month, you go through stages of grief just in the nick of time to come out on the other side and be hopeful again. Even optimistic. And every month, your hope is thrashed. You realize that you are-once again- just as far from holding your new precious baby as you were last month...or last year.

It's hard on your marriage. Dallas and I have a solid marriage, and we have had moments of just-not-on-the-same-page because of infertility. It's not easy to hold each other up when you're just so tired from holding yourself up.

You find yourself ignoring the happy announcements of other people. "We weren't even trying!" "We're having our 12th baby! Yay! We are so fertile!" or "I know we just had a baby yesterday, but we're PREGNANT AGAIN!"........Some days are always harder than others, but during this journey, I have learned a few important things:

1. Family is not a number. No matter how many children Dallas and I have or if we have children, our family started the day we sat across from each other at the alter and became husband and wife. No matter how many children we have, our family has been complete since March 5th, 2010.

2. I am not alone. Every time I open up about this on here or to someone in person, I hear a story like mine. I am fortunate enough to have a few people who are going through or have been through the same thing. We call, text, or talk on facebook quite frequently.

3. There is hope. When things can't get any darker, they can only get brighter from there.

If you are facing infertility, I pray with all my soul that you will have as many children as you want and that your days of waiting for your precious miracle are numbered. I pray the same thing for myself. I know what it feels like to cry or yell or scream when someone updates their facebook status with, "Hey, GUESS WHAT?!", and I KNOW what it feels like to mourn someone who never was. I know that no one really and truly understands what you're going through...and I hope and pray they NEVER do. I know the very last things you want to hear are, "if you stop thinking about it and/or adopt you'll get pregnant...I have an aunt/dog/cousin/co worker/hairstylist who did it that way!" and "Don't worry, this is all part of God's plan." I have become an expert on smiling and nodding when someone asks, "Aren't you guys going to have kids soon?" Intense desire for something coupled with the inability to fulfill that desire is life's most painful combination. I truly am so thankful for what I have. I don't deserve a lot of good things in my life. But "deserving" and "desiring" are two different things.

I've already talked about in one of my posts that I don't want pity. I most definitely don't want to ruin anyone's happiness when they're getting ready to welcome a new little one into the world. I certainly don't want people walking on eggshells around me because of what I'm going through. I'd much rather hear, "This really sucks...I'm so sorry." than anything else anyone could say.

I guess we wouldn't appreciate the good things in life if we didn't have go through the bad things. No one wants to endure painful trials, but we all do and unfortunately that's part of living in this world. And assuming we make it through, we all come out with tougher skin on the other side, even though there may be a few battle scars. Every piece of my infertility struggle has been a personal nightmare. After each moment has passed, I realize how much stronger I have become and that's it's going to be ok. Hellish as it is. Infertility is not my story, but it's a part of my story. Hopefully a part of my story that will only be a painful memory and that I will be able to chase our little children around until I'm old and gray.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for praying. And thanks for the support.


So, it turns out there's more

No, not more symptoms. More wrong with me. Isn't that a joyful thing to hear?? Turns out high insulin levels cause high testosterone and estrogen. Oh no wait! It get's better, I'm not ovulating again! My progesterone levels went down so the likelihood of my being pregnant this month is very slim. So those who told me it was too soon for me to have symptoms you were right. Turns out it was because my hormones are once again a BIG GIANT MESS! I'm not done, I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome aka PCOS. I'm going to get a second opinion but I know it will just be the same thing so I don't know if it's worth it. So I have a 90% chance of having endometriosis and I have PCOS. What's PCOS? Click here and you'll find out. It's AWESOME! So they're putting me on a stricter regimen and I need to better my diet and exercise which I'm fine with. It's just who KNOWS how long it's going to take now!!! And, if it doesn't work then clomid. If that doesn't work surgery. If that doesn't work IVF. And IF THAT doesn't work than adoption. I know stuff like this happens to a lot of people but you never think it could happen to you. I always had this hope that I would get pregnant easily and on my own. Not take forever and have to get extra help! I hate that I'm not in complete control of my body right now. It's making me crazy. I did more research and PCOS is manageable if you are on a strict regimen but it's still discouraging. Pam told me not to get discouraged and we'll get this fixed. But it's hard not too when every single month you find out that something new is wrong with you! They work with the top fertility doctor in Utah so they'll send me to him if they need to but for now they're just getting some opinions from him on what to do with me. It's fun. :). I know Dallas doesn't feel this way because we talked about if there was a possibility that I had issues and we couldn't conceive would it change things. We talked about this before we got married and he said no because we would adopt and it would be just as great. But I still don't want to make him miss out on the opportunity to be a father to his own children when he's perfectly healthy and his wife is all messed up! It just breaks my heart. But if this is as manageable as what I've read and based on what Pam said than it make take a few more months or years but it can be possible. I could really use some prayers right now because I broke down when I left. It took all of my power not to break down in the middle of her office. They suspected PCOS from the beginning but I convinced myself I didn't have it but, now they tell me I definitely do and it sucks. But, anyway I just thought I would update everyone. Please pray for us. We could really use it right now.


Just a quick update...

Well I got the results for my blood work and culture yesterday. The culture was to see if, yes folks TMI again, I had a bacterial infection and thankfully it came back negative! HOORAY! So, they were checking my insulin, estrogen, DHEA, and Vitamin D. They were checking some other stuff but I don't remember and it's not that important because they were fine anyway haha. Oh yeah! One was for my thyroid and they said I have a little hypothyroidism  (or was it hyper?), but it wasn't bad enough for them to worry about it. So my estrogen looks good! YAY! But my insulin is a little high. Now, I didn't ask if that meant that I was pre-diabetic or not so let's hope that's not the case. But they want to put me on this supplement that will lower it so that's good! My DHEA and Vitamin D haven't come in yet so I don't know on those. I'm sure my DHEA will be fine. Apparently it's a natural hormone your body produces to reverse or slow aging and my family age's really well so I'm not concerned lol. Also, I have been RELIGIOUS in taking my Vitamin D 5000 IU's so I'm not concerned about that either. So the mystery remains. What are these crazy symptoms from?? Now I have some new ones. Not only did I eat a pickle for breakfast....WHAT?!....but my back has been KILLING me and I have been having these weird vivid dreams. Last night I had a dream that I was about to run over a deer and then the deer turned into a bear and then the bear and some wolves, that appeared out of nowhere, tried to eat Dallas and I. We escaped and went to a church building and there were zombies in the church building and they tried to eat us. I don't know. It was really complicated and made NO sense and it terrified me! When I woke up I had to look around several times to realize I was in our room.

My desire to have a child has grown. I didn't know that was even possible at this point haha. But Dallas came home really upset because another girl in our ward announced her pregnancy. He said, "There is not one single person around us that isn't pregnant." It broke my heart. He hasn't really shown any emotion towards this whole situation but I've known he really wants a baby too. I catch him smiling and then frowning when he see's little babies or his expression hardening when people start discussing their lives being pregnant or having a child. But this was different. When you want a house you save up money and get it. Same for a car, or a new phone. But when you want a baby you just do what you can and hope it worked because you have no control over whether it does or doesn't. I just really want this to be the month for us. If it's not then I will understand and continue to be patient. But if this is the month for us then I will be overjoyed! I pray that it is! It's so hard not to get my hopes up with these crazy symptoms that I'm having but I can't really help it.

Please continue to pray for us. If not for a baby then to be able to continue to endure this hardship. We love you all. :)

Weirdest Month Ever....

I have been having the weirdest things going on with my body and it's driving me a little crazy cause I'm not 100% sure as to what's causing them. Just so you know this may be a little TMI, so if there are boys reading my blog you may want to cover your eyes :). My boobs started hurting and feeling heavy on like the 4th of this month which I thought was odd and they've gotten progressively worse as days go by. Now today, the 9th, I am on day 18 of my cycle. My boobs don't start hurting until like day 24 of my cycle. So, I am slightly confused. Pam at the Health Spot believes it may be due to high estrogen levels (Oh, wouldn't that be a treat?!) but I have been diligent in taking my supplements and shake. But who knows. I got blood drawn AGAIN yesterday (7 viles btw) and I get the results today so we'll see what happens with that. Also, I have been EXHAUSTED. I'm thinking maybe it's because of work but then again, I work at a Credit Union for crying out loud! That shouldn't make me feel like I need to use clothespins to keep my eyes open right? I have also had to pee a lot more. The WEIRDEST thing happened on Friday night. I felt like I had to pee literally every second. To me all signs pointed to UTI. But then again it didn't hurt when I peed. I would go pee and then it just felt like I still needed to. Poor Dallas, I spent most of dinner in the bathroom while he sat there waiting for me lol. He asked me like 5 times "Are you pregnant?" I was like, "Pffh, I know as much as you sweetums!" Lol. But it was ridiculous! I would run to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was full to the brim only to have a few little trickles! It was so obnoxious! I told Dallas to take me home and I got in the bathtub hoping to maybe try to relax some muscles in there or do something to make it stop and luckily it worked. I have also been really bloated and (TMI) gassy and slightly constipated. Dallas took one look at me like a week ago and said, "Honey are you ok? You look like you're getting ready to start your period. Are you drinking enough water?" I drink water like it's candy so ya I'm good on that. I looked in the mirror and saw what he was seeing. What the heck?? Normally I don't bloat until my period is like a few days away! And, gross, I've been passing so much gas lately once again the famous question from Dallas, "Bre, are you pregnant?" Lol, oh what a cutie. He keeps asking me this question that I don't have the answer to. I'm hoping that this is all pregnancy related. That would be wonderful! But, I can't get my hopes up every month. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm trying to not read into it all too much (isn't it obvious ;)). But, at the same time I can't really help it. My body is screaming at me! Lol. But, if it turns out that my hormone levels are once again off then I guess we'll know the answer to that question.  If they're not, then the mystery continues until the 22nd! It just made me nervous because Pam brought up that she wants Dallas and I to start saving up for IVF after December because it's expensive and may be a possibility for us. I told her I don't want to start worrying about that until I've been trying for two years. She's so sweet though. She's desperate to get me pregnant. I have prayed about it a lot though and I honestly don't feel like it will get to that point. I don't really feel like it'll get to the point of surgery either. But only time will tell. If not this month then here's to next month! :)

When did life get so complicated?

I mean what happened to the days when your main goal for the day was to skip nap time and continue playing dress up? You're going through that awkward transition in Junior High School where you were going through puberty and you still had baby fat in your face and still in braces and people called you chipmunk?  When you were waiting on that cute guy in your class to ask you to the prom? Or you were packing up for college with your best friend and your dad helping you and you're all bawling like babies cause life is moving too fast? When you and your best friend are discussing the fact that we could be married or engaged in a year or 2 and then laughing cause there was no way that was going to happen so fast? People are staring at you and your mom because you're crying so hard on the side of the road they think someone died?  Before I knew it I was here in Utah dating stupid college boys not wanting to get serious because there was no way I was getting married before I was 25. Commitment? No thank you! Then all of a sudden, there he is. Mr. Perfect. Mr. Right. He just popped into my life unexpectedly and I fell for him fast and hard. We got engaged 4 months later and then married 8 months after that. We pulled through a difficult engagement because I was on birth control and depression medication and was not myself what so ever. But there he was, by my side and helping me pull through because he knew the real Breanna was in there somewhere. The one he fell in love with. I got off the medication and bc and I was myself again and we were sealed for Time and All Eternity in the Salt Lake Temple. I thought that was the last of our troubles! We can make it through anything after that! We're on our way to having the perfect life! 3 months into our marriage while I was on the Nuvaring I was a day late and decided I'd take a pregnancy test and it came out positive. WHAT?! Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant! We're going to have a baby! Holy crap! How are we going to handle this? We've only been married for 3 months.....Whatever! We can make it through anything! But I couldn't shake this pit in my stomach. What was it?? I called  Dallas and my mom and dad and they were so stoked! But still there was that pit! Why?? Dallas got home from work and decided we should take another test. I took 2 and one was positive and the other negative! What?? How is that even possible?!  Then an hour later I started to bleed heavily. I was devastated. I talked to my obgyn and he said that it was most likely a chemical pregnancy and to keep an eye on the bleeding and make sure I didn't hemorrhage. The miscarriage went as smoothly as a miscarriage could and I continued on the Nuvaring. 1 year and 9 months into our marriage we decide let's start a family! 1st month no luck. No big deal! Hardly anyone gets pregnant after the first try! 2nd month still nothing. That's ok, stay optimistic! Most people don't get pregnant until they've been trying for 6 months anyway. More trying and more nothing. My periods were becoming increasingly painful and I couldn't handle it anymore so I decided to go  The Health Spot. We had been trying for 4 months at that point which wasn't long so I didn't go solely for the reason to get pregnant but it'd be a bonus if I did! The Health Spot does a natural approach and helped my cousin who had struggled with pregnancy and endometriosis get pregnant.  Before I went to the Health Spot my periods had started getting later and later even though they felt better. They did some blood work and found out that my estrogen levels were very high and my progesterone aka: "The Pregnancy Hormone" levels were very low. I wasn't ovulating. They changed my regimen and finally I started to ovulate! We had been trying for 7 months at that point. My periods started to regulate but still no baby. One more blood test and I was Vitamin D deficient which oddly enough affects fertility as well. Ok, good we got it all figured out. This month, month 9 I started to spot a week before my period was due. I looked it up and saw that it could either be early period or implantation bleeding! Fingers crossed for implantation! I couldn't wait and I broke my promise and took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. I started to get that frog in my throat but I swallowed it and told myself, "Ok, month 10 will be the charm!" So, after that long story my point is that when did life get so complicated?? Everything that's happened to me in the past seems so easy to me now! Haha, I would go through it again to avoid going through this right now! Lol. Well, Dallas and I have started to prepare ourselves financially and emotionally for surgery for me in November. I am terrified! I have never had surgery before. Has anyone else had surgery for endometriosis? Is it scary? Is it painful? Is recovery long? My 2 biggest feas of surgery is that I'm allergic to the anesthesia and it'll cause complications and I won't wake up or they'll open me up and see that my endometriosis is too severe and that I need to start looking into other options. Ugh! I'm so terrified, but I will most likely have to do it unless I get pregnant next month or October! (Fingers crossed!)  I keep trying to be positive and it's getting easier. But patience is not my thing! Haha! I could really use some advice about this surgery thing so please feel free!

Oh and btw got some sweet mint pants that I've been dying to get forever! hoorah!!




Well,

I had said I was going to make my blog private due to someone's negative comments. I have decided not to give that person the satisfaction of thinking they won, because they didn't. Some people are going to have negative opinions about what I'm going through and that's fine. I've heard it all. "I feel like you're panicking too soon." "Don't you think you're blowing this a little out of proportion?" "You've only been trying for 9 months, that's not that big of a deal" (Say's the lady who got pregnant on her first try.) Whatever, maybe I am doing all of that. In all honesty I wouldn't be panicking if I didn't know I had endometriosis which can cause infertility and if everyone and their dog wasn't getting pregnant around me lol. I've already been told I have fertility problems so, yes there is a fear there that it could be unfix-able. I have only been trying for 9 months, which compared to the women who have been trying for 5 years, isn't that long. But, I'm sorry, either way whether it's been months or years it does not make it any easier. I am doing better though. I really don't think about it as much. I don't really cry anymore. Except on Sunday during fast and testimony meeting when some women had the gal to go up and share their "fertility issues". They had been trying for a few months and were getting discouraged but then they bought a house so Heavenly Father blessed them with a pregnancy two weeks later....BLAH BLAH BLAH! I get it, it's still hard if you don't get pregnant right away but that is a very personal struggle. One that you should not be sharing at the pulpit in church. (Blogs are totally okay ;) ). Then, of course that became the theme for testimony meeting. I got really annoyed. But, seriously I'm doing better. I don't talk or think about it that much. With that said, when the time comes for aunt flow to arrive and she does instead of a positive pregnancy test then that could all change in a heartbeat! Haha. But I'm staying optimistic!

Well my brother-in-law reported to the MTC today! He's going to the Philippines Bacolod Mission and he will be speaking the language Tagolic! Whoa, don't even know what language that is! Haha, but all power to him! He will do great for sure. I'm so proud of him. I feel like it was just yesterday that I had dinner with the Reynolds family for the first time and Dylan was sitting right next to me. I, of course, was trying to fit in with the boys and made a "that's what she said" joke quietly to Dylan and what does he do when I leave? RATS ON ME! Little punk! I never forgave him for that! Lol. That was 3 years ago! Wow, time flies. I have grown very close with Dylan. Especially when Dallas was in Oregon doing summer sales and a lot of my friends stopped hanging out with me because being friends with an engaged girl is not very fun I guess. ;). I hung out with Dylan and my other brother-in-law Jesse quite frequently. I would take them to school, football practice, we'd go to movies together, we'd hang out at the house. We did a lot of stuff together. Dylan is like a brother to me and with that we have a tendency to fight like brother and sister. Not like Devin and I thank heavens because we would get into fist fights haha. I'm gonna miss him while he's gone but I'm not worried about him at all because Dylan is a hard worker and will do very well I feel. GOD SPEED ELDER!


I went to a sealing for Dallas's cousin about a week ago and it was really neat. The sealer shook my hand and welcomed me and I went and took my seat and my mother in law sits next to me and was like, "Bre, that was Elder Oakes!" Wow! I felt like a moron! I can't believe I did not even recognize him! (For those of you who don't know Elder Oakes is an apostle for the LDS church.) It was really cool though. I just felt horrible that I did not even realize who it was. Someone had to tell me! So embarrassing! Haha.

We also went to Bear Lake again for Raspberry Days and that was a lot of fun. We went to a fair and a breakfast and the rest of the time we spent on the boat or in the water! It was fun!

Oh, and I found a 4 leaf clover!! It was awesome! I was really excited about it! Haha, so hopefully it will bring us some added luck! :)


Well, hopefully next time I update this Dallas and I will have some good news for you! Not getting my hopes up but just being faithful! But, until then prayers are still welcomed! :). Love you all!


This last week was MUCH NEEDED! We went to Bear Lake for the fourth of July and I love it out there. We went boating, fishing, tubing, water skiing, jet skiing, went into town and ate the Old Epraim Pizza which is 28" and got some delicious malts! It was great fun. We all did get pretty sunburned though so I was miserable the last two days but I made the best of it! And, because of all of the wildfires we didn't get to set off any fireworks! LAME! But we still had a lot of fun.

The 4th we got there and set everything up then went to Dal's uncles cabin. The cabin HUGE and we had Cafe Rio salads and hung out.The next day it rained :(. So we went on the boat for a little bit and realized that was a bad choice so we went to Uncle Gary's cabin again and watched Sherlock Holmes. The day after that Dallas had to go to school and the rest of us went boating and all of that fun stuff. That's when we all got severely sunburned. I got the worst of it cause I haven't been out in the sun for a year haha. I wore this cotton dress the rest of the week as Dallas lathered aloe vera on me every hour. It was pitiful! The night Dallas got back we went to Bear Lake Pizza and ate the Old Ephraim! It was pretty good and huge! We ate the whole thing and got our picture on the wall! Fun stuff. The next day we spent on the boat and jet ski. Then all of us took turns fishing and each of us caught a fish so that was fun. Then we packed up and went home. I love Bear Lake. The water is so blue and the weather (except for that one day) is always perfect. I took tons of pictures so I'll post a few of them now!











So, I'll give you a little update on the pregnancy thing. I don't know if I'm going to post that much about it anymore. I feel people are probably getting tired of the "woe is me" stuff. So, we're on month 8 of trying and I started cramping yesterday :(. So most likely not pregnant. I did cry of course. I had a thought yesterday and I didn't really like it. I have prayed about whether Dallas and I will have children of our own and I received an answer that we will but, that doesn't mean "naturally". I may have to get the surgery. I may have to go to fertility specialists. I may have to get invitro. I am willing to try all of those things. What I don't like is the time and money that will go into all of that. I am grateful for the technology we have today to give women ,who can't do it themselves, the opportunity to get pregnant. I've decided that if I don't get pregnant by next month then I will no longer be going to The Health Spot. While it has definitely made me feel better it hasn't helped me accomplish the main reason why I went there which was to get pregnant. It costs a lot of money and I don't want to continue spending it on something that just might not work for me. It's definitely a bummer but what can you do? 

I'm tired of these women who got pregnant quickly and easily telling me to be patient, be happy for my friends and acquaintances that are pregnant, blah blah blah. I want to get something straight first of all. I am very VERY happy for my friends who have gotten pregnant quickly and recently. I'm so glad they don't have to endure the pain that I and many more women have to. I truly am thrilled or them. Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes. Do I get jealous of them? Yes. Do I covet what they have? Yes. Am I unhappy for them? No. Someone told me about a week or so ago that I am being selfish in how I feel and on my outlook. I quickly pointed out to them that while yes I could probably change my outlook on it and be less bitter, which is harder than they seem to grasp by the way, I don't understand how I am being selfish. I am willing to give up my body for a human being to grow inside of. I am willing to vomit my guts up for my child to live inside of me for 9 months. I am willing to sacrifice my dreams and my life to raise my children and give them a comfortable and happy life. I don't believe that is selfish. Now, if it is please let me know so that I may correct myself. 

One last thing. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. While yes I am going through a difficult trial right now and it is hard for me, I am not fragile. Don't feel the need if you are pregnant to get my approval. I can assure you that I am happy for you and will support you all the way! Don't worry about blindsiding me or feeling the need to tell me first because you are worried about me. It's not about me! It's about you and the precious life you and your spouse have just created. Don't worry about me. Worry about being healthy and happy! I am happy for you and I love you! Yes, I might cry and be angry but it's not because of you. It's not your fault. Do not feel bad. My feelings are about me and the anger towards my body. Not you. So please just know that I am thrilled for you. Truly, I am. 







Love you all! :)
Well, I started my new job at 24 hour fitness! I love it! It is so laid back which is EXACTLY what I need. The kids are so great and so cute. Of course some are obnoxious but that's to be expected. I thought this job would make me less baby hungry. Nope. It makes me want kids more so that I can experience all of the cute stuff these kids do with my own! Hopefully it will get my stress levels down enough so this can be the month for us! I have been religious on taking my supplements and my shake. I have thrown dairy COMPLETELY out! (Except tonight we had lasagna because my mother-in-law made it for dinner. I did not feel well after either). No more highly processed foods and exercising more. Let me tell ya, I am feeling SO much better! It's like night and day! I have more energy, my attitude is better, it's awesome. I can tell my estrogen levels are still a little high cause I broke out on my chest. It makes me so mad! I haven't had a pimple since high school and now all of a sudden acne city on my chest! Grr! But it is getting better seeing as to how I'm not exploding at every single little thing. Which is nice because I felt really bad when I did. I knew I was being mean but at the same time my anger overwhelmed the guilt. No bueno. But we're all good now. Some days are easy and some days are not when it comes to the baby thing. I see a girl with a baby bump or my friends planning there baby showers and what not and I break down. But then there are times when I'm totally fine and it doesn't affect me at all. I just get bitter when I see these no good piece of crap, druggie women popping out babies like it's nothing and I haven't even had one. I'm only 22 and I understand that I'm young and I have plenty of time. It's just hard when you want it now! (Insert foot stomp here). Haha. I have put my trust in the Lord though and I have finally, truthfully, accepted that it may take some time for us. I always say that. Haha. But this time I'm for real. It's gonna be okay. Just do me a favor newlyweds. don't get pregnant before me!! Haha, Just kidding! ;).

So we are going to Bear Lake for the 4th of July! I'm so excited! I really REALLY need this vacation! We're going to be in the sun so I'll get my Vitamin D! ;). I'll make sure to take lots of pictures to post on here. I feel like I never post pictures anymore haha.

Dallas and I got to babysit my cousins kids last night and that was fun. Do you think I have enough children in my life? I am the secretary in the Primary Presidency, I work at the Kids Club at 24 Hour Fitness, and I babysit peoples kids every once in a while. I'm thinkin, I'm ready for my own now. Eh? Here's some pictures of our fun filled night! They love Dallas! Wyatt crawls all over him as you will see here!




Oh and I got my hair done. I got the Ombre style. I'm probably going to dye it back in a week though. It's been fun but I miss my dark hair! 



Well everyone I will post on here next week about our Bear Lake trip! Love you all! :) 

Of Course

You guys had to know that there was a post coming after reading my dramatic status updates right?? Haha. Well, I am now 11 days late and I went and got a blood test on Saturday to see what is going on. Am I pregnant? Am I not? What's up yo?? Well first of all, the chick that drew my blood. You suck! It STUNG the whole time! She had to fill 3 viles and I'm like, "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!" My whole arm hurt the rest of the day! I mean come on! And now I have a monster bruise on my arm! So pretty.

So, the blood tests were for my HCG levels, estrogen, progesterone, and vitamin d. Well, as most of you know my progesterone levels were super low last time, like a 4.5 so that meant I wasn't ovulating. Well, now my progesterone levels are normal but my estrogen is high! Oh, the joys of having endometriosis (which is cleared up, but I still get to have fun with the hormones part of it)! Leveling out hormones is a CONSTANT battle. But, what can you do? I've been wondering why I have been so bipolar this month. Seriously, I've had so much uncontrollable anger. Anything set me off and I felt out of control and I just wanted to punch holes in the walls haha. Estrogen makes you crazy and too much of it makes you extra "cray cray". So that is the mystery to Aunt Flow running late THIS month. Last month progesterone, this month estrogen. Come on! Let's get it right this month!! Shall we?? Breanna is getting more and more impatient. Well, as you can guess that means I am not preggo. Sad day. It wasn't too hard to hear though cause I sort of prepared myself. I took an HPT  a few days before the blood test and that test was negative. Of course there is always going to be a little bit of hope but, unfortunately, not happenin for us this month. And that's ok. It's getting easier and easier to accept I think. What has made it so hard for me I think is that I live in Utah. The state of Pregnant Women. Right?? It seems like everywhere I turn someone is pregnant or has a brand new baby. "Excuse me waiter, can I have what she's having please?" I need to dip my toes in the rivers of fertility that must be flowin somewhere. I just missed the memo!

It will happen for us. I know it will. Sometimes I do wonder am I ever going to experience pregnancy and birth and raising my own child? It seems so surreal to me. Like a dream that I'll never reach. But then I pray and I know it's coming. I have dreams about it all the time and they're awesome and scary! haha. So, just gotta keep truckin! I have a new Job at 24 Hour Fitness in the Kids Club! So, I'm excited about that! New adventures!

Thanks again for the prayers and support! Love you all!

Respect


My tolerance today is wearing pretty thin. My mood has been pretty wacky this month to tell you the honest truth, it's been pretty crazy. I have been up. I have been down. All over the place. Dallas is a little scared lol. Poor guy. He was like, "Okay, I don't know what's up with you but you have never been this moody or emotional." It probably has to do with my periods being out of whack. Last month I was a week late and this month I am now a week and one day late. I won't take another test. I don't want to. I'm scared. But, my doctor wants me to get a blood test. Fine, that I'm ok with. I think it's easier then seeing the negative on the test.

Well, what I'm really posting about today is respect. Respect for what you ask? Respect for mine and others decisions.

I have a very low tolerance for people who try to force things on me that I don't believe in and make me feel bad for the things I do believe in. Whether it be religion, politics, medication, or where I'm going to have my baby when I do have a baby.

I lived in Texas for 10 years of my life and I LOVED it there. I had a lot of great friends and great experiences. I am LDS for those of you who don't know and I love my religion. I believe in it with my whole heart and no one is going to change my feelings on that. Trust me, they've already tried. I was one of maybe 5 or 6 "Mormon's" in my school and I got teased a lot! Now, of course, it was good natured, most of the time. I was fine with that. I can laugh at myself. It was the times when people would tell me that what I believed in was wrong, that it is a cult. I will be the first to tell you that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a cult. We believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer and we believe in a book called the Book of Mormon which is another testament of Christ. It is not a rewrite of the Bible which we also believe in. My point though is that people would tell me it was wrong. I had Baptist friends, Methodist friends, Catholic friends, and not once would I ever say that what they have chosen to believe in is wrong. I would be happy to tell you about my religion and why I believe it and kindly let you know that while I think your religion is great, I just don't agree with all of it. Does that mean I think it's wrong? It's a cult? You're going to hell? No. So please, respect my beliefs.

I'm not going to touch on politics. I am a republican and conservative and that is that. That's all I'm going to say. Lol, I don't mess with politics much.

When it comes to medication I believe in both western medicine and the natural approach. With my trying to get pregnant I have decided, for the time being, to go the natural route. That is my choice. When I have been trying for a year and am still not pregnant then I will be going to my obgyn and trying things like clomid and what not. But this is what I want to do now and it's working for me. I feel better. My endometriosis is cleared up and now I am finally ovulating. Two things I have struggled with since I was 14. But there are other natural approaches out there, other supplements, oils, things like that. While I think those other things work great and works for certain people. It just doesn't work for me and at the moment I have no interest in it. I would like people to respect that. I know people think it might be weird that I'm doing the natural route with trying to get pregnant. But, this works for me right now. I'm not going to pressure other women that are struggling to get pregnant to go to The Health Spot. I would be more than happy to tell you how it's working for me and how it could work for you but if you've decided to use doTerra, or hormone replacements, or other supplements I'm not going to tell you that you're decision is wrong or stupid or make you feel bad! I commend you! I think what you've decided to do is great. Just don't try to make me go that route. If I feel it's necessary than I will. But, for now, this is what's working for me. So please, respect that.

I have decided to have my baby in a hospital with an epidural. I have dear friends who have chosen to have their babies in birthing centers! I think that's great! I have never once told them it's stupid or wrong or said things to scare them out of it. While, yes, I do think there is a higher risk to have your baby outside of the hospital, it is your decision and I respect that. I want to make sure my baby gets the best medical care it can whether or not there are any complications. I have no pain tolerance so yes I will be getting an epidural. I do not believe that it drugs up the baby. I know plenty of people who's mothers had an epidural while they were being born and they turned out just fine. My husband is one of them. I'm sure that most people in the United States were born that way. There are many studies out there saying there are advantages and disadvantages to having a baby in a hospital. Just like there are advantages and disadvantages to having a baby in a birthing center or at home. There are plenty of babies out there who have been born in a birthing center or at home who have had no complications, no risks. That's awesome. If I had the guts, heck, I would try it. But I am a worry wart and I don't want to take that risk and that is my decision. I ask for respect for that.

I don't want to be pressured into doing things that I don't agree with. I won't pressure you so please don't pressure me. I know I take risks when I post about stuff like this. I'm sure I'll get some opinions and that's fine. But, I just wanted to put this out there because it's how I feel. I am HUGE on respect. I was taught my whole life about respect and I give it to people who deserve it. Heck, I give it to people who don't deserve it sometimes. I love you all. Thank you for reading my posts and for your support.

A special shout out to Julie Bean. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. It really touched my heart. You made my day and I will not forget that. Thank you!


Well...

Took a pregnancy test last night and BIG HUGE SHOCKER it was negative. Imagine my joy. Now we're going on month 8 of trying. It's becoming so irritating. I really thought this time that I could be pregnant. All I could think about yesterday is how badly I want to hold our little baby. I want to watch him or her grow up and kiss their booboo's, teach them to ride a bike, take them to the park, try to calm them down when they're screaming and crying, watch cartoons with them, change their diapers, stay up all hours of the night with them trying to get them to fall asleep, I want that. I want to see a mini Dallas and Breanna running around the house. It's getting harder as more and more people are getting pregnant and I'm just, not. I'm trying to have patience and faith but it's getting harder and harder. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm angry.

I've prayed and read my scriptures and gone to the temple. I just want some sort of hint that everything's going to be ok and that we'll be able to have kids. Dallas told me yesterday that he felt that there are spirits up there waiting to come down. But I was also crying hysterically and wonder if he was just saying that to make me feel better. Which would be very sweet. Or it may be true. I just don't know at this point.

If I don't get pregnant by the year mark then I have to get surgery. I don't want surgery. I've never had surgery. I will do it if that means I can get pregnant. But I don't want to. I'm also afraid of them opening me up, doing what they need to, and then telling me well here's some other stuff we found and you can't get pregnant. It terrifies me.

I know most of the time my posts start off as depressing and then become uplifting but I'm just having a harder and harder time staying positive. I'm sorry that this post is so depressing. I just wish that the mothers out there who have had the privilege of getting pregnant so quickly or getting pregnant at all realize how blessed they are. I hear women complaining that motherhood is so hard and telling me to wait. Well, I have no choice but to wait. But look at your child. How much you love them. How much they love you. They belong to you. There are so many women out there who would trade places with you in a second. I would. I know that I haven't been trying for years. I know that. I'm not going to put myself in the category of those women. But at this rate I have a feeling I'll be in that same category.

Thank you all again for all of your love and support and prayers.  

Hi, My name is Breanna and I text in my sleep.

Does anyone else have this problem?! I looked it up because I thought it was so weird but it's actually a real thing! People text in their sleep! I definitely do it! Just last night I said something completely off the wall to one of my friends and had a full on conversation with another. I guess it doesn't take a lot of brain power to text but I mean come on! It's embarrassing because then my friend will call me or come over and be like oh remember what I told you last night? Uhm, no-what are you talking about? Then I pick up my phone and I'm like WHAT?! I do not remember this at all! It's freaking weird! It cracks me up too. I remember one time in high school one of my really good guy friends called me at like 2 am (why so late? No, idea. Couldn't tell you how the conversation went to save my life) and I talked to him for like an hour. He came up to me at school the next day and was like thanks for talking to me last night I needed it! You were cracking me up! Uh, you're welcome?.........What are you talking about? He was like seriously? I told him I didn't remember a thing. WEIRD! Obviously I have a serious problem. I'm addicted to technology. I think I need a break from it because who knows what I'll say! I may share my deepest darkest secret with someone! Scary! haha.

Baby news you ask? None to report as of now. I mean I had some weird spotting (ew) on Sunday and I don't know what in the heck that was but, I guess we'll find out in a week. But, you know what? I can deal with whatever the outcome is. It's still hard but I'm done stressing myself out over it. My life kind of did a 180 this month. Things were going really well and now it's not going so well. I'm so stressed my temples feel like they're going to explode and my eye is twitching. Not fun. I look up sometimes and say, "Ok, what's the plan here? Cause I'm lost!" I got my answer the other day. "Disappointments are just God's way of saying, 'I've got something better', so be patient, have faith and live your life." Pinterest, you always know what to say. So smart. I always think of that now. Something will get thrown at me and I just want to scream and I literally have a couple of times and then that quote comes into my mind and I just breathe and move on and live my life.

I am grateful that I have a husband to lean on. He's my best friend, my rock, my everything and I'm so blessed. Our marriage is not perfect. Absolutely not. We work hard every day and just like with every marriage there are times when you just want to throw your hands up in the air. I married this man for eternity and I plan on keeping it that way. We made very serious and special covenants in the temple and I could not have pictured anyone else sitting across the alter from me than my sweetheart Dallas. I love him more than anything. He makes me better and hopefully I do that for him. We have so much fun together too. We joke around and play around. We have a blast. People who hang out with us said they just love watching us interact with each other and it makes me feel good to hear that. I'm glad that people can see that we're happy and in love. We are! We have gone through so many trials and have come out stronger than ever. I honestly believe that certain people could not have survived some of the things that we've been through. But we did and that makes me feel comforted. I married my soul mate. He is the love of my life. My true love. I remember growing up and crying over boys and dating and breaking up and thinking I will never be able to recover. So dramatic. My mother always told me, "You're going to look back on this and think wow, what a waste of time and tears." I don't regret those relationships. They helped mold me and make me a better person for my husband. But, it's true. If I would've known what was coming I wouldn't have worried so much and let my heart break. So, to the young girls out there that think that relationships in high school are important and that boys are everything now and that when they break your heart it's the end of the world. It's not. It gets better and you will find your prince.

Well, I of course have some inspirational quotes that I've come across and they've made my day so hopefully they can make yours too!


















Soo....

I went to the Health Spot today to get the results for my progesterone and got some pretty depressing news. I'm not even ovulating. No wonder I haven't gotten pregnant. It's a common cause of infertility. INFERTILITY! UGGHHHH!!!!!!

Pam is going to try to help me start ovulating again. She's put me on medication and supplements to get my progesterone up. I'm hardly producing any of it.

HORMONES SUCK!

The fact that I was late on my period was a true blessing though. I know that's weird to think, but if I hadn't have been late I wouldn't have figured this out for a long time.

A few years ago I got a similar test saying I wasn't producing enough progesterone then. They put me on progesterone cream but I stopped taking it cause it was making me gain weight and because I didn't think it was a big deal. NO ONE TOLD ME THAT IT MEANT I WASN'T OVULATING!

Please, PLEASE send your prayers. I really need to start ovulating. I need to get pregnant. We need to have a baby.

I appreciate and love all of you.

My Body's Crazy!!!

This last week has been insane. It's been extremely frustrating and exhausting and I'm glad I got things figured out today. Let's start from the beginning. Normally about a week before Aunt Flow is supposed to arrive I start cramping but there was nothing. I thought that was odd, either I'm pregnant or the supplements are doing their job! My period was due May 1st. Well May 1st came and went and nothing. I took a pregnancy test and it was, no surprise, negative. I was a little bummed but I also thought maybe it was a false negative. So, I waited for a couple of days and my period still didn't come so I took another test and again negative. 2 more days another test another negative. I was getting really irritated! I kept thinking well if I'm not pregnant than where the heck is my period?! I called the Health Spot and Pam ordered me an HCG blood test and a progesterone test. I went in on Sunday ( I know it was the Sabbath, but I was 6 days late and going insane!) and got the blood test and asked when I could get the results and they told me to call in an hour. I was SO nervous. I called exactly at an hour and they told me my HCG quantitive was 1. I was like. "Ok? Does that mean I'm pregnant or not?" They told me that they don't test negative or positive, just the levels and that my doctor would tell me. I called Pam and told her what they said and she said "Oh, well I'll get your progesterone levels tomorrow and call you." WHAT?! Why isn't anyone telling me what that stupid test means?!  I had to freakin google it and found that if it's under 5 than it's negative. Wonderful, just wonderful. And then of course day 7, today, my period comes. UGH!!! I was so irritated! Last night I cried forever and then I was livid and then I cried some more. I told someone yesterday that I have been trying for 6 months and they made me feel horrible. Their response was, "Holy crap! That's a long time?" Is it though? Yes, it feels like FOREVER from my perspective but I mean come on there are people who didn't have kids til they tried for like 2 years or more. What I don't get is why am I not getting the magic baby dust that seems to be floating around Utah? Impregnating women at the drop of the hat? I go to church! I pay my tithing! I read my scriptures! I do my best to be a good wife to my husband! I work hard! I eat healthy! COME ON MOTHER NATURE! Be on MY side for once! You've already tortured me with these hellish periods that I've dealt with since I was 14!! Don't let me have suffered that long for no reason!! I'm so tired of this roller coaster. I don't want this to control my life.

And then I realized, control. I think that's the problem. This is beyond my control! This requires patience! Maybe, just maybe that's what the problem is! I am the most impatient person in the world. I also have to be in control of just about everything! And because I have to wait and I don't have control over getting pregnant it's making me crazy! Maybe that's what I need to learn. To let go and let God and to be patient. 

So, I've decided that I'm not going to focus on this anymore. I'm going to focus on the blessings. I have this time to be with my husband and for us to grow together. We have this time for him to focus on school and me to focus on work.  There is a very special spirit waiting to come down and we need to be the best parents we can be for him/her. I have this time to focus on getting better with my endometriosis and to getting my body healthy and in shape so that I can be strong enough to carry and care for our baby. We have this time to work on our finances, finish paying off our debts, pay for my husbands school, and save up our money so that we can give our baby whatever he/she needs to be happy and healthy. 

Patience. Faith. Letting Go. Seeing the positive. That's what I need to learn. 

I want to have a baby more than anything. I really do. But it's not on my time. It's on the Lord's. 

Thank you for the continued prayers and for your support. I love you all. You're amazing. 

This will happen for Dallas and I. I know it. I had this feeling last night that I really have nothing to worry about and I feel that, that peace came from your prayers and from my Husbands faith. Mine's not strong enough but his is and I'm so blessed to have him. He helps me improve myself every day. 

Here are some great quotes on Faith. They have helped me a lot so I thought I'd share! :)