My Body's Crazy!!!

This last week has been insane. It's been extremely frustrating and exhausting and I'm glad I got things figured out today. Let's start from the beginning. Normally about a week before Aunt Flow is supposed to arrive I start cramping but there was nothing. I thought that was odd, either I'm pregnant or the supplements are doing their job! My period was due May 1st. Well May 1st came and went and nothing. I took a pregnancy test and it was, no surprise, negative. I was a little bummed but I also thought maybe it was a false negative. So, I waited for a couple of days and my period still didn't come so I took another test and again negative. 2 more days another test another negative. I was getting really irritated! I kept thinking well if I'm not pregnant than where the heck is my period?! I called the Health Spot and Pam ordered me an HCG blood test and a progesterone test. I went in on Sunday ( I know it was the Sabbath, but I was 6 days late and going insane!) and got the blood test and asked when I could get the results and they told me to call in an hour. I was SO nervous. I called exactly at an hour and they told me my HCG quantitive was 1. I was like. "Ok? Does that mean I'm pregnant or not?" They told me that they don't test negative or positive, just the levels and that my doctor would tell me. I called Pam and told her what they said and she said "Oh, well I'll get your progesterone levels tomorrow and call you." WHAT?! Why isn't anyone telling me what that stupid test means?!  I had to freakin google it and found that if it's under 5 than it's negative. Wonderful, just wonderful. And then of course day 7, today, my period comes. UGH!!! I was so irritated! Last night I cried forever and then I was livid and then I cried some more. I told someone yesterday that I have been trying for 6 months and they made me feel horrible. Their response was, "Holy crap! That's a long time?" Is it though? Yes, it feels like FOREVER from my perspective but I mean come on there are people who didn't have kids til they tried for like 2 years or more. What I don't get is why am I not getting the magic baby dust that seems to be floating around Utah? Impregnating women at the drop of the hat? I go to church! I pay my tithing! I read my scriptures! I do my best to be a good wife to my husband! I work hard! I eat healthy! COME ON MOTHER NATURE! Be on MY side for once! You've already tortured me with these hellish periods that I've dealt with since I was 14!! Don't let me have suffered that long for no reason!! I'm so tired of this roller coaster. I don't want this to control my life.

And then I realized, control. I think that's the problem. This is beyond my control! This requires patience! Maybe, just maybe that's what the problem is! I am the most impatient person in the world. I also have to be in control of just about everything! And because I have to wait and I don't have control over getting pregnant it's making me crazy! Maybe that's what I need to learn. To let go and let God and to be patient. 

So, I've decided that I'm not going to focus on this anymore. I'm going to focus on the blessings. I have this time to be with my husband and for us to grow together. We have this time for him to focus on school and me to focus on work.  There is a very special spirit waiting to come down and we need to be the best parents we can be for him/her. I have this time to focus on getting better with my endometriosis and to getting my body healthy and in shape so that I can be strong enough to carry and care for our baby. We have this time to work on our finances, finish paying off our debts, pay for my husbands school, and save up our money so that we can give our baby whatever he/she needs to be happy and healthy. 

Patience. Faith. Letting Go. Seeing the positive. That's what I need to learn. 

I want to have a baby more than anything. I really do. But it's not on my time. It's on the Lord's. 

Thank you for the continued prayers and for your support. I love you all. You're amazing. 

This will happen for Dallas and I. I know it. I had this feeling last night that I really have nothing to worry about and I feel that, that peace came from your prayers and from my Husbands faith. Mine's not strong enough but his is and I'm so blessed to have him. He helps me improve myself every day. 

Here are some great quotes on Faith. They have helped me a lot so I thought I'd share! :)