Of Course

You guys had to know that there was a post coming after reading my dramatic status updates right?? Haha. Well, I am now 11 days late and I went and got a blood test on Saturday to see what is going on. Am I pregnant? Am I not? What's up yo?? Well first of all, the chick that drew my blood. You suck! It STUNG the whole time! She had to fill 3 viles and I'm like, "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!" My whole arm hurt the rest of the day! I mean come on! And now I have a monster bruise on my arm! So pretty.

So, the blood tests were for my HCG levels, estrogen, progesterone, and vitamin d. Well, as most of you know my progesterone levels were super low last time, like a 4.5 so that meant I wasn't ovulating. Well, now my progesterone levels are normal but my estrogen is high! Oh, the joys of having endometriosis (which is cleared up, but I still get to have fun with the hormones part of it)! Leveling out hormones is a CONSTANT battle. But, what can you do? I've been wondering why I have been so bipolar this month. Seriously, I've had so much uncontrollable anger. Anything set me off and I felt out of control and I just wanted to punch holes in the walls haha. Estrogen makes you crazy and too much of it makes you extra "cray cray". So that is the mystery to Aunt Flow running late THIS month. Last month progesterone, this month estrogen. Come on! Let's get it right this month!! Shall we?? Breanna is getting more and more impatient. Well, as you can guess that means I am not preggo. Sad day. It wasn't too hard to hear though cause I sort of prepared myself. I took an HPT  a few days before the blood test and that test was negative. Of course there is always going to be a little bit of hope but, unfortunately, not happenin for us this month. And that's ok. It's getting easier and easier to accept I think. What has made it so hard for me I think is that I live in Utah. The state of Pregnant Women. Right?? It seems like everywhere I turn someone is pregnant or has a brand new baby. "Excuse me waiter, can I have what she's having please?" I need to dip my toes in the rivers of fertility that must be flowin somewhere. I just missed the memo!

It will happen for us. I know it will. Sometimes I do wonder am I ever going to experience pregnancy and birth and raising my own child? It seems so surreal to me. Like a dream that I'll never reach. But then I pray and I know it's coming. I have dreams about it all the time and they're awesome and scary! haha. So, just gotta keep truckin! I have a new Job at 24 Hour Fitness in the Kids Club! So, I'm excited about that! New adventures!

Thanks again for the prayers and support! Love you all!

Respect

My tolerance today is wearing pretty thin. My mood has been pretty wacky this month to tell you the honest truth, it's been pretty crazy. I have been up. I have been down. All over the place. Dallas is a little scared lol. Poor guy. He was like, "Okay, I don't know what's up with you but you have never been this moody or emotional." It probably has to do with my periods being out of whack. Last month I was a week late and this month I am now a week and one day late. I won't take another test. I don't want to. I'm scared. But, my doctor wants me to get a blood test. Fine, that I'm ok with. I think it's easier then seeing the negative on the test.

Well, what I'm really posting about today is respect. Respect for what you ask? Respect for mine and others decisions.

I have a very low tolerance for people who try to force things on me that I don't believe in and make me feel bad for the things I do believe in. Whether it be religion, politics, medication, or where I'm going to have my baby when I do have a baby.

I lived in Texas for 10 years of my life and I LOVED it there. I had a lot of great friends and great experiences. I am LDS for those of you who don't know and I love my religion. I believe in it with my whole heart and no one is going to change my feelings on that. Trust me, they've already tried. I was one of maybe 5 or 6 "Mormon's" in my school and I got teased a lot! Now, of course, it was good natured, most of the time. I was fine with that. I can laugh at myself. It was the times when people would tell me that what I believed in was wrong, that it is a cult. I will be the first to tell you that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a cult. We believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer and we believe in a book called the Book of Mormon which is another testament of Christ. It is not a rewrite of the Bible which we also believe in. My point though is that people would tell me it was wrong. I had Baptist friends, Methodist friends, Catholic friends, and not once would I ever say that what they have chosen to believe in is wrong. I would be happy to tell you about my religion and why I believe it and kindly let you know that while I think your religion is great, I just don't agree with all of it. Does that mean I think it's wrong? It's a cult? You're going to hell? No. So please, respect my beliefs.

I'm not going to touch on politics. I am a republican and conservative and that is that. That's all I'm going to say. Lol, I don't mess with politics much.

When it comes to medication I believe in both western medicine and the natural approach. With my trying to get pregnant I have decided, for the time being, to go the natural route. That is my choice. When I have been trying for a year and am still not pregnant then I will be going to my obgyn and trying things like clomid and what not. But this is what I want to do now and it's working for me. I feel better. My endometriosis is cleared up and now I am finally ovulating. Two things I have struggled with since I was 14. But there are other natural approaches out there, other supplements, oils, things like that. While I think those other things work great and works for certain people. It just doesn't work for me and at the moment I have no interest in it. I would like people to respect that. I know people think it might be weird that I'm doing the natural route with trying to get pregnant. But, this works for me right now. I'm not going to pressure other women that are struggling to get pregnant to go to The Health Spot. I would be more than happy to tell you how it's working for me and how it could work for you but if you've decided to use doTerra, or hormone replacements, or other supplements I'm not going to tell you that you're decision is wrong or stupid or make you feel bad! I commend you! I think what you've decided to do is great. Just don't try to make me go that route. If I feel it's necessary than I will. But, for now, this is what's working for me. So please, respect that.

I have decided to have my baby in a hospital with an epidural. I have dear friends who have chosen to have their babies in birthing centers! I think that's great! I have never once told them it's stupid or wrong or said things to scare them out of it. While, yes, I do think there is a higher risk to have your baby outside of the hospital, it is your decision and I respect that. I want to make sure my baby gets the best medical care it can whether or not there are any complications. I have no pain tolerance so yes I will be getting an epidural. I do not believe that it drugs up the baby. I know plenty of people who's mothers had an epidural while they were being born and they turned out just fine. My husband is one of them. I'm sure that most people in the United States were born that way. There are many studies out there saying there are advantages and disadvantages to having a baby in a hospital. Just like there are advantages and disadvantages to having a baby in a birthing center or at home. There are plenty of babies out there who have been born in a birthing center or at home who have had no complications, no risks. That's awesome. If I had the guts, heck, I would try it. But I am a worry wart and I don't want to take that risk and that is my decision. I ask for respect for that.

I don't want to be pressured into doing things that I don't agree with. I won't pressure you so please don't pressure me. I know I take risks when I post about stuff like this. I'm sure I'll get some opinions and that's fine. But, I just wanted to put this out there because it's how I feel. I am HUGE on respect. I was taught my whole life about respect and I give it to people who deserve it. Heck, I give it to people who don't deserve it sometimes. I love you all. Thank you for reading my posts and for your support.

A special shout out to Julie Bean. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. It really touched my heart. You made my day and I will not forget that. Thank you!

Well...

Took a pregnancy test last night and BIG HUGE SHOCKER it was negative. Imagine my joy. Now we're going on month 8 of trying. It's becoming so irritating. I really thought this time that I could be pregnant. All I could think about yesterday is how badly I want to hold our little baby. I want to watch him or her grow up and kiss their booboo's, teach them to ride a bike, take them to the park, try to calm them down when they're screaming and crying, watch cartoons with them, change their diapers, stay up all hours of the night with them trying to get them to fall asleep, I want that. I want to see a mini Dallas and Breanna running around the house. It's getting harder as more and more people are getting pregnant and I'm just, not. I'm trying to have patience and faith but it's getting harder and harder. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm angry.

I've prayed and read my scriptures and gone to the temple. I just want some sort of hint that everything's going to be ok and that we'll be able to have kids. Dallas told me yesterday that he felt that there are spirits up there waiting to come down. But I was also crying hysterically and wonder if he was just saying that to make me feel better. Which would be very sweet. Or it may be true. I just don't know at this point.

If I don't get pregnant by the year mark then I have to get surgery. I don't want surgery. I've never had surgery. I will do it if that means I can get pregnant. But I don't want to. I'm also afraid of them opening me up, doing what they need to, and then telling me well here's some other stuff we found and you can't get pregnant. It terrifies me.

I know most of the time my posts start off as depressing and then become uplifting but I'm just having a harder and harder time staying positive. I'm sorry that this post is so depressing. I just wish that the mothers out there who have had the privilege of getting pregnant so quickly or getting pregnant at all realize how blessed they are. I hear women complaining that motherhood is so hard and telling me to wait. Well, I have no choice but to wait. But look at your child. How much you love them. How much they love you. They belong to you. There are so many women out there who would trade places with you in a second. I would. I know that I haven't been trying for years. I know that. I'm not going to put myself in the category of those women. But at this rate I have a feeling I'll be in that same category.

Thank you all again for all of your love and support and prayers.