Took a pregnancy test last night and BIG HUGE SHOCKER it was negative. Imagine my joy. Now we're going on month 8 of trying. It's becoming so irritating. I really thought this time that I could be pregnant. All I could think about yesterday is how badly I want to hold our little baby. I want to watch him or her grow up and kiss their booboo's, teach them to ride a bike, take them to the park, try to calm them down when they're screaming and crying, watch cartoons with them, change their diapers, stay up all hours of the night with them trying to get them to fall asleep, I want that. I want to see a mini Dallas and Breanna running around the house. It's getting harder as more and more people are getting pregnant and I'm just, not. I'm trying to have patience and faith but it's getting harder and harder. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm angry.
I've prayed and read my scriptures and gone to the temple. I just want some sort of hint that everything's going to be ok and that we'll be able to have kids. Dallas told me yesterday that he felt that there are spirits up there waiting to come down. But I was also crying hysterically and wonder if he was just saying that to make me feel better. Which would be very sweet. Or it may be true. I just don't know at this point.
If I don't get pregnant by the year mark then I have to get surgery. I don't want surgery. I've never had surgery. I will do it if that means I can get pregnant. But I don't want to. I'm also afraid of them opening me up, doing what they need to, and then telling me well here's some other stuff we found and you can't get pregnant. It terrifies me.
I know most of the time my posts start off as depressing and then become uplifting but I'm just having a harder and harder time staying positive. I'm sorry that this post is so depressing. I just wish that the mothers out there who have had the privilege of getting pregnant so quickly or getting pregnant at all realize how blessed they are. I hear women complaining that motherhood is so hard and telling me to wait. Well, I have no choice but to wait. But look at your child. How much you love them. How much they love you. They belong to you. There are so many women out there who would trade places with you in a second. I would. I know that I haven't been trying for years. I know that. I'm not going to put myself in the category of those women. But at this rate I have a feeling I'll be in that same category.
Thank you all again for all of your love and support and prayers.
1 comment:
Hi, you don't know me but I stumbled across your blog trying to find another long lost friend with the last name of Reynolds and I saw your post. Well, all I can say is that my heart aches for you and just know that someone is thinking of you and your struggles.
When my husband and I got married I felt the need to start trying for a baby sooner than later. So we started trying 6 months after getting married. I had PCOS and had lost my period in my late teens and was put on birth control to regulate it. Back to trying to get pregnant. I did get pregnant pretty quick and didn't even think about miscarriages at all. Well, 6 weeks later I began to bleed. It was painful. It was hard. I cried for MONTHS. I kept my husband up nights because I wanted my baby back. We quickly tried again after a month break. We got pregnant again. I thought there is no way the Lord will let this happen again right? I was excited to make it to the 12 week mark. I was in the clear. Heard the heart beat and saw the baby. I began to bleed at 14 weeks. I became frantic. No, this cannot be. I've done everything right; I've eaten the right foods, taken my pre natals etc...I went in alone because my husband was 15 miles away and in a meeting. I left a message for him saying I would tell him if he needed to come. I went in, they did the ultrasound and I saw my precious baby, lifeless. I screamed out. I cried. It's almost painful to talk about still. Now, 8 years later, after 100's of doctor's visits, D&C's,clomid, progesterone, prayers, fasting, anger and frustration and 6 more miscarriages for a total of 8, I have a daughter and a son. I had them after the 2 m/c's. I had 6 after my son. I am SO grateful for them. I feel your frustration. I know our stories are a little different, but the pain is real, raw, earth shattering and sometimes faith shattering. I pled with God so many times after my husband would leave for work, alone in my room. I wept, I screamed. My children are EVERYTHING to me. Every moment, every look, every thing they make me - I keep. I don't care if people think I'm a pack rat. :) Every day is precious. One way or another you will know that joy. Just know that a stranger is out there praying for you. Hoping the best for you as you wade through this storm, this doubt, confusion and frustration. I just know that through all of that, my ideas on faith has changed. I used to think if I had faith in something it would come true like a wish. I've learned that faith is just believing in God's plan for us whatever that maybe and we will be okay. Oh, it's no fun at all when you don't get the 2 girls and 2 boys you hope for, but that was not meant for me. My "dream". I realize that now. I don't take for granted anything anymore. I must take 50 pictures a day of my kids. I don't care. I try and catch every moment. I wish this for you one day. You sound like you would be a wonderful mother, loving, caring, and attentive. You won't be forgotten.
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