I have a friend who came to me for advice when it came to Marriage and Parents. She was having issues with her parents becoming too involved in her marriage and now hold a grudge against her husband because she called and involved them in an argument they had had. But the parents unfortunately were not involved in the making up process and now still have issues with their son-in-law. She also asked me about her parents not being able to let go. They still treat her like a child and discipline her even though she is now an adult, out of the house, and married. I'm blogging about this because I know this is an issue for most newlywed's. Including myself. This is an entry not only for newlywed's but for their parents because sometimes parents just can't seem to let go. But marrying and leaving the parents home REQUIRES a shift in the relationship between children and parents. I found an article on lds.org that gave me all of the answers. So I'm just going to post stuff from that article because they say it a lot better than I do. Please read because I feel that it's very important.
Establishing Marital Boundaries
It is important that newly married couples learn to develop appropriate relationships with their parents. Appropriate, in this sense, involves establishing definite marital boundaries. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) taught that couples should protect their marriage relationship by not disclosing private marital issues to their parents—or anyone else. He said: “Being human, you may someday have differences of opinion resulting even in little quarrels. Neither of you will be so unfaithful to the other as to go back to your parents or friends and discuss with them your little differences. That would be gross disloyalty. Your intimate life is your own and must not be shared with or confided in others. You will not go back to your people for sympathy, but will thresh out your own difficulties.” 1 Sometimes, one spouse may confide in his or her parents even when there hasn’t been an argument. When making decisions, a husband or wife may confide in parents and rely more upon their advice than upon the spouse’s. Again, President Kimball taught that husbands and wives need to maintain appropriate boundaries around the marriage. He said: “Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions.” 2
One couple struggled in their relationship because the husband valued his father’s opinions more than he did his wife’s. When the couple was in the process of making a decision, such as buying a new car, they would discuss it together, but then the husband would talk to his father and invariably follow whatever counsel his father gave, regardless of his wife’s opinion. This created tension in their marriage because she resented him for caring more about his father’s opinion than about hers.
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught that we need to “be fiercely loyal to one another” in marriage. 3 Over the years I have found it helpful to ask myself the question, “Deep down inside, am I more concerned about my parents’ feelings about this issue than my spouse’s feelings?” In a united marriage the husband and wife are always most concerned about each other’s feelings. As we prayerfully seek help from our Father in Heaven, problems can often be resolved without hurting anyone’s feelings. However, if a choice must be made, the spouse must take priority. President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) said: “Nothing except God Himself takes priority over your [spouse] in your life.”
Adult-to-Adult Relationships
Marrying and leaving the parents’ home requires a fundamental shift in the relationship between children and parents. While parents of young children have a divine mandate to supervise and discipline their children, it is not appropriate for parents to control their adult children. Instead, the hierarchy of supervision and control dissolves so that parents and their adult children are on equal footing. This shift allows parents and adult children to develop relationships that are built on mutual respect and friendship.
How do adult children and their parents create this fundamental shift in their relationship? I learned a key principle in this process several years ago when I was teaching a workshop for married couples in our stake. I taught the workshop three consecutive times as participants rotated among various classes. The first two times I taught the workshop, the primary audience was young couples in their 20s and early 30s. When I taught the principle that relationships between adult children and parents should be nonhierarchical, with parents no longer controlling their children, the members of the class became very enthusiastic. A number of them raised their hand and said, “I want my parents to treat me like an adult, but they won’t.”
The third workshop included a different group of participants. Instead of people in their 20s, the class consisted almost exclusively of middle-aged adults who had adult children of their own. Being in my late 20s myself, I was worried about how the middle-aged parents would respond to the principle that parents should allow their adult children to make their own decisions, become independent, and be treated like adults.
Sure enough, as soon as I started teaching this principle, several hands shot up—just as I had feared. As I called on them, I was somewhat surprised by the first person’s comment. She said, “We would love to treat our married children like adults, but they send us very mixed messages.” She continued: “Just a couple weeks ago, for example, one of our married children said that we needed to treat her and her husband more like adults. She accused us of still treating them like children. My husband and I agreed to treat them more like adults, but the next day they called up and said that they were out of gas and wanted to borrow $20 from us. A few days later they again told us to treat them like adults, but they called that very evening saying that they were hungry and wanted to come over for dinner. We would love to treat our married children like adults, but they won’t act like adults.” After she finished her comments, several other people in the audience expressed similar feelings.
Reciprocity
When children are young, parents sacrifice considerably by giving to their children. Young children and adolescents, of course, should be appreciative and express love and gratitude to their parents, but most of the nurturing and acts of service flow toward the children. The relationship between adult children and their parents, though, needs to shift toward an adult-to-adult relationship in which children can give back.
Becoming Independent
Unfortunately, some parents have a hard time letting their children grow up and become independent. President Kimball said: “Well meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children.” 6 He also observed that sometimes parents “will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children.” 7Wise parents will honor their children’s adulthood, foster their independence, and respect their marital boundaries, thereby giving their children the opportunity to establish strong marriages.
As married children shift their primary loyalty and strive for independence, they will be able to enjoy satisfying adult relationships with their parents and, having truly left home, experience the joy of being one in marriage.
