Infertility

I have decided to write a post directed to infertility. To kind of give some people an insight on how it feels to be a person that can not conceive without help or possibly can not conceive at all. I've been debating about writing this for a while because I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak from my experience and how I feel being a woman suffering from infertility.

For those of you who don't know I have been diagnosed with PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which is a disorder that causes you not to release a mature egg each month (aka ovulation) so it forms a cyst instead. It mimics diabetes because you are insulin resistant. So I have been deemed infertile because I am unable to conceive without medical help.

I've heard infertility being called a "silent epidemic" Women and also men, yes there are men out there who do suffer from infertility, are reluctant to tell anyone about their infertility for lots of reasons, but when they keep it inside, they suffer alone. Infertility is a lonely place. It is a huge struggle that if you're not willing to share or confront that can be more than devastating. I have a spouse by my side who is unfortunately also suffering from this, even though he is not infertile and perfectly healthy, and I still feel alone sometimes. Not because he hasn't been there for me because he has. He has been my rock and my shoulder to cry on during this whole thing and I have for him on some days when he can't be strong for the both of us.

Why is infertility so hard? Here are some summarized reasons as to why:

If you are undergoing infertility treatment, your heart and soul aches for a baby. And I mean aches. Your heart is ripped to shreds every month when your hopes are up and then you find out that another month of your life has passed without your dream becoming a reality.

Your body is completely invaded. You are prodded, poked, inspected....every month. Sometimes every week. I've had my blood drawn. I've had cultures. I've had Transvaginal ultrasounds. Not my idea of a fun time people. Not at all.

You can become bitterly jealous, angry, and even resentful. I have to check myself at the door every so often. It's no one's fault that I'm not able to get pregnant. If I'm having a difficult day it will seem like every woman I see is pregnant or has a new born baby. I want to ask people sometimes, "did you even have to try?" or, "do you know what it's like to have your heart wrecked every single month?" On a really hard day, I'll just close the door or lay on my couch, put my head in my hands, and just cry until I'm numb.

People don't know what to say or they don't even know and they come across as insensitive. Everyone is sure that they have the answer or the "magic cure" that will help you have a baby, but no amount of vacationing can heal this particular medical condition. If you are battling infertility, try to have a little grace for people you thinks are being insensitive. I know I have to remind myself to give them a pass because even though I feel like they're intentionally being the biggest most insensitive jerk in the world, lol, they're really not. They don't know. So have grace for them and I'm sure they'll have a little grace for you when you have your bitter moments.

It seems sooo unfair. If you know you would be a good mother (or if you're battling with secondary infertility and know you are a good mother). If your heart yearns for a lot of children, a big family, that you can love and nurture. I fyou know that you will do your best to teach your children how to be productive, respectful, loving, empathetic, adorable little creatures. If you see people around you who don't appreciate their children. Then you start to wonder how life can just be so unfair. Why you got handed the crap card in this particular area. You're a good person right?

People just don't understand. Unless people go through it or until they do, heaven forbid, they don't get it. You WANT people to understand, but you would never wish this torment on anyone, not even your worst enemy. So you suffer alone so that you won't seem whiney and depressed.

It is an emotional roller coaster. Ever month, you go through stages of grief just in the nick of time to come out on the other side and be hopeful again. Even optimistic. And every month, your hope is thrashed. You realize that you are-once again- just as far from holding your new precious baby as you were last month...or last year.

It's hard on your marriage. Dallas and I have a solid marriage, and we have had moments of just-not-on-the-same-page because of infertility. It's not easy to hold each other up when you're just so tired from holding yourself up.

You find yourself ignoring the happy announcements of other people. "We weren't even trying!" "We're having our 12th baby! Yay! We are so fertile!" or "I know we just had a baby yesterday, but we're PREGNANT AGAIN!"........Some days are always harder than others, but during this journey, I have learned a few important things:

1. Family is not a number. No matter how many children Dallas and I have or if we have children, our family started the day we sat across from each other at the alter and became husband and wife. No matter how many children we have, our family has been complete since March 5th, 2010.

2. I am not alone. Every time I open up about this on here or to someone in person, I hear a story like mine. I am fortunate enough to have a few people who are going through or have been through the same thing. We call, text, or talk on facebook quite frequently.

3. There is hope. When things can't get any darker, they can only get brighter from there.

If you are facing infertility, I pray with all my soul that you will have as many children as you want and that your days of waiting for your precious miracle are numbered. I pray the same thing for myself. I know what it feels like to cry or yell or scream when someone updates their facebook status with, "Hey, GUESS WHAT?!", and I KNOW what it feels like to mourn someone who never was. I know that no one really and truly understands what you're going through...and I hope and pray they NEVER do. I know the very last things you want to hear are, "if you stop thinking about it and/or adopt you'll get pregnant...I have an aunt/dog/cousin/co worker/hairstylist who did it that way!" and "Don't worry, this is all part of God's plan." I have become an expert on smiling and nodding when someone asks, "Aren't you guys going to have kids soon?" Intense desire for something coupled with the inability to fulfill that desire is life's most painful combination. I truly am so thankful for what I have. I don't deserve a lot of good things in my life. But "deserving" and "desiring" are two different things.

I've already talked about in one of my posts that I don't want pity. I most definitely don't want to ruin anyone's happiness when they're getting ready to welcome a new little one into the world. I certainly don't want people walking on eggshells around me because of what I'm going through. I'd much rather hear, "This really sucks...I'm so sorry." than anything else anyone could say.

I guess we wouldn't appreciate the good things in life if we didn't have go through the bad things. No one wants to endure painful trials, but we all do and unfortunately that's part of living in this world. And assuming we make it through, we all come out with tougher skin on the other side, even though there may be a few battle scars. Every piece of my infertility struggle has been a personal nightmare. After each moment has passed, I realize how much stronger I have become and that's it's going to be ok. Hellish as it is. Infertility is not my story, but it's a part of my story. Hopefully a part of my story that will only be a painful memory and that I will be able to chase our little children around until I'm old and gray.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for praying. And thanks for the support.