You guys had to know that there was a post coming after reading my dramatic status updates right?? Haha. Well, I am now 11 days late and I went and got a blood test on Saturday to see what is going on. Am I pregnant? Am I not? What's up yo?? Well first of all, the chick that drew my blood. You suck! It STUNG the whole time! She had to fill 3 viles and I'm like, "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!" My whole arm hurt the rest of the day! I mean come on! And now I have a monster bruise on my arm! So pretty.
So, the blood tests were for my HCG levels, estrogen, progesterone, and vitamin d. Well, as most of you know my progesterone levels were super low last time, like a 4.5 so that meant I wasn't ovulating. Well, now my progesterone levels are normal but my estrogen is high! Oh, the joys of having endometriosis (which is cleared up, but I still get to have fun with the hormones part of it)! Leveling out hormones is a CONSTANT battle. But, what can you do? I've been wondering why I have been so bipolar this month. Seriously, I've had so much uncontrollable anger. Anything set me off and I felt out of control and I just wanted to punch holes in the walls haha. Estrogen makes you crazy and too much of it makes you extra "cray cray". So that is the mystery to Aunt Flow running late THIS month. Last month progesterone, this month estrogen. Come on! Let's get it right this month!! Shall we?? Breanna is getting more and more impatient. Well, as you can guess that means I am not preggo. Sad day. It wasn't too hard to hear though cause I sort of prepared myself. I took an HPT a few days before the blood test and that test was negative. Of course there is always going to be a little bit of hope but, unfortunately, not happenin for us this month. And that's ok. It's getting easier and easier to accept I think. What has made it so hard for me I think is that I live in Utah. The state of Pregnant Women. Right?? It seems like everywhere I turn someone is pregnant or has a brand new baby. "Excuse me waiter, can I have what she's having please?" I need to dip my toes in the rivers of fertility that must be flowin somewhere. I just missed the memo!
It will happen for us. I know it will. Sometimes I do wonder am I ever going to experience pregnancy and birth and raising my own child? It seems so surreal to me. Like a dream that I'll never reach. But then I pray and I know it's coming. I have dreams about it all the time and they're awesome and scary! haha. So, just gotta keep truckin! I have a new Job at 24 Hour Fitness in the Kids Club! So, I'm excited about that! New adventures!
Thanks again for the prayers and support! Love you all!
Respect
My tolerance today is wearing pretty thin. My mood has been pretty wacky this month to tell you the honest truth, it's been pretty crazy. I have been up. I have been down. All over the place. Dallas is a little scared lol. Poor guy. He was like, "Okay, I don't know what's up with you but you have never been this moody or emotional." It probably has to do with my periods being out of whack. Last month I was a week late and this month I am now a week and one day late. I won't take another test. I don't want to. I'm scared. But, my doctor wants me to get a blood test. Fine, that I'm ok with. I think it's easier then seeing the negative on the test.
Well, what I'm really posting about today is respect. Respect for what you ask? Respect for mine and others decisions.
I have a very low tolerance for people who try to force things on me that I don't believe in and make me feel bad for the things I do believe in. Whether it be religion, politics, medication, or where I'm going to have my baby when I do have a baby.
I lived in Texas for 10 years of my life and I LOVED it there. I had a lot of great friends and great experiences. I am LDS for those of you who don't know and I love my religion. I believe in it with my whole heart and no one is going to change my feelings on that. Trust me, they've already tried. I was one of maybe 5 or 6 "Mormon's" in my school and I got teased a lot! Now, of course, it was good natured, most of the time. I was fine with that. I can laugh at myself. It was the times when people would tell me that what I believed in was wrong, that it is a cult. I will be the first to tell you that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a cult. We believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer and we believe in a book called the Book of Mormon which is another testament of Christ. It is not a rewrite of the Bible which we also believe in. My point though is that people would tell me it was wrong. I had Baptist friends, Methodist friends, Catholic friends, and not once would I ever say that what they have chosen to believe in is wrong. I would be happy to tell you about my religion and why I believe it and kindly let you know that while I think your religion is great, I just don't agree with all of it. Does that mean I think it's wrong? It's a cult? You're going to hell? No. So please, respect my beliefs.
I'm not going to touch on politics. I am a republican and conservative and that is that. That's all I'm going to say. Lol, I don't mess with politics much.
When it comes to medication I believe in both western medicine and the natural approach. With my trying to get pregnant I have decided, for the time being, to go the natural route. That is my choice. When I have been trying for a year and am still not pregnant then I will be going to my obgyn and trying things like clomid and what not. But this is what I want to do now and it's working for me. I feel better. My endometriosis is cleared up and now I am finally ovulating. Two things I have struggled with since I was 14. But there are other natural approaches out there, other supplements, oils, things like that. While I think those other things work great and works for certain people. It just doesn't work for me and at the moment I have no interest in it. I would like people to respect that. I know people think it might be weird that I'm doing the natural route with trying to get pregnant. But, this works for me right now. I'm not going to pressure other women that are struggling to get pregnant to go to The Health Spot. I would be more than happy to tell you how it's working for me and how it could work for you but if you've decided to use doTerra, or hormone replacements, or other supplements I'm not going to tell you that you're decision is wrong or stupid or make you feel bad! I commend you! I think what you've decided to do is great. Just don't try to make me go that route. If I feel it's necessary than I will. But, for now, this is what's working for me. So please, respect that.
I have decided to have my baby in a hospital with an epidural. I have dear friends who have chosen to have their babies in birthing centers! I think that's great! I have never once told them it's stupid or wrong or said things to scare them out of it. While, yes, I do think there is a higher risk to have your baby outside of the hospital, it is your decision and I respect that. I want to make sure my baby gets the best medical care it can whether or not there are any complications. I have no pain tolerance so yes I will be getting an epidural. I do not believe that it drugs up the baby. I know plenty of people who's mothers had an epidural while they were being born and they turned out just fine. My husband is one of them. I'm sure that most people in the United States were born that way. There are many studies out there saying there are advantages and disadvantages to having a baby in a hospital. Just like there are advantages and disadvantages to having a baby in a birthing center or at home. There are plenty of babies out there who have been born in a birthing center or at home who have had no complications, no risks. That's awesome. If I had the guts, heck, I would try it. But I am a worry wart and I don't want to take that risk and that is my decision. I ask for respect for that.
I don't want to be pressured into doing things that I don't agree with. I won't pressure you so please don't pressure me. I know I take risks when I post about stuff like this. I'm sure I'll get some opinions and that's fine. But, I just wanted to put this out there because it's how I feel. I am HUGE on respect. I was taught my whole life about respect and I give it to people who deserve it. Heck, I give it to people who don't deserve it sometimes. I love you all. Thank you for reading my posts and for your support.
A special shout out to Julie Bean. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. It really touched my heart. You made my day and I will not forget that. Thank you!
Well...
Took a pregnancy test last night and BIG HUGE SHOCKER it was negative. Imagine my joy. Now we're going on month 8 of trying. It's becoming so irritating. I really thought this time that I could be pregnant. All I could think about yesterday is how badly I want to hold our little baby. I want to watch him or her grow up and kiss their booboo's, teach them to ride a bike, take them to the park, try to calm them down when they're screaming and crying, watch cartoons with them, change their diapers, stay up all hours of the night with them trying to get them to fall asleep, I want that. I want to see a mini Dallas and Breanna running around the house. It's getting harder as more and more people are getting pregnant and I'm just, not. I'm trying to have patience and faith but it's getting harder and harder. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm angry.
I've prayed and read my scriptures and gone to the temple. I just want some sort of hint that everything's going to be ok and that we'll be able to have kids. Dallas told me yesterday that he felt that there are spirits up there waiting to come down. But I was also crying hysterically and wonder if he was just saying that to make me feel better. Which would be very sweet. Or it may be true. I just don't know at this point.
If I don't get pregnant by the year mark then I have to get surgery. I don't want surgery. I've never had surgery. I will do it if that means I can get pregnant. But I don't want to. I'm also afraid of them opening me up, doing what they need to, and then telling me well here's some other stuff we found and you can't get pregnant. It terrifies me.
I know most of the time my posts start off as depressing and then become uplifting but I'm just having a harder and harder time staying positive. I'm sorry that this post is so depressing. I just wish that the mothers out there who have had the privilege of getting pregnant so quickly or getting pregnant at all realize how blessed they are. I hear women complaining that motherhood is so hard and telling me to wait. Well, I have no choice but to wait. But look at your child. How much you love them. How much they love you. They belong to you. There are so many women out there who would trade places with you in a second. I would. I know that I haven't been trying for years. I know that. I'm not going to put myself in the category of those women. But at this rate I have a feeling I'll be in that same category.
Thank you all again for all of your love and support and prayers.
I've prayed and read my scriptures and gone to the temple. I just want some sort of hint that everything's going to be ok and that we'll be able to have kids. Dallas told me yesterday that he felt that there are spirits up there waiting to come down. But I was also crying hysterically and wonder if he was just saying that to make me feel better. Which would be very sweet. Or it may be true. I just don't know at this point.
If I don't get pregnant by the year mark then I have to get surgery. I don't want surgery. I've never had surgery. I will do it if that means I can get pregnant. But I don't want to. I'm also afraid of them opening me up, doing what they need to, and then telling me well here's some other stuff we found and you can't get pregnant. It terrifies me.
I know most of the time my posts start off as depressing and then become uplifting but I'm just having a harder and harder time staying positive. I'm sorry that this post is so depressing. I just wish that the mothers out there who have had the privilege of getting pregnant so quickly or getting pregnant at all realize how blessed they are. I hear women complaining that motherhood is so hard and telling me to wait. Well, I have no choice but to wait. But look at your child. How much you love them. How much they love you. They belong to you. There are so many women out there who would trade places with you in a second. I would. I know that I haven't been trying for years. I know that. I'm not going to put myself in the category of those women. But at this rate I have a feeling I'll be in that same category.
Thank you all again for all of your love and support and prayers.
Hi, My name is Breanna and I text in my sleep.
Does anyone else have this problem?! I looked it up because I thought it was so weird but it's actually a real thing! People text in their sleep! I definitely do it! Just last night I said something completely off the wall to one of my friends and had a full on conversation with another. I guess it doesn't take a lot of brain power to text but I mean come on! It's embarrassing because then my friend will call me or come over and be like oh remember what I told you last night? Uhm, no-what are you talking about? Then I pick up my phone and I'm like WHAT?! I do not remember this at all! It's freaking weird! It cracks me up too. I remember one time in high school one of my really good guy friends called me at like 2 am (why so late? No, idea. Couldn't tell you how the conversation went to save my life) and I talked to him for like an hour. He came up to me at school the next day and was like thanks for talking to me last night I needed it! You were cracking me up! Uh, you're welcome?.........What are you talking about? He was like seriously? I told him I didn't remember a thing. WEIRD! Obviously I have a serious problem. I'm addicted to technology. I think I need a break from it because who knows what I'll say! I may share my deepest darkest secret with someone! Scary! haha.
Baby news you ask? None to report as of now. I mean I had some weird spotting (ew) on Sunday and I don't know what in the heck that was but, I guess we'll find out in a week. But, you know what? I can deal with whatever the outcome is. It's still hard but I'm done stressing myself out over it. My life kind of did a 180 this month. Things were going really well and now it's not going so well. I'm so stressed my temples feel like they're going to explode and my eye is twitching. Not fun. I look up sometimes and say, "Ok, what's the plan here? Cause I'm lost!" I got my answer the other day. "Disappointments are just God's way of saying, 'I've got something better', so be patient, have faith and live your life." Pinterest, you always know what to say. So smart. I always think of that now. Something will get thrown at me and I just want to scream and I literally have a couple of times and then that quote comes into my mind and I just breathe and move on and live my life.
I am grateful that I have a husband to lean on. He's my best friend, my rock, my everything and I'm so blessed. Our marriage is not perfect. Absolutely not. We work hard every day and just like with every marriage there are times when you just want to throw your hands up in the air. I married this man for eternity and I plan on keeping it that way. We made very serious and special covenants in the temple and I could not have pictured anyone else sitting across the alter from me than my sweetheart Dallas. I love him more than anything. He makes me better and hopefully I do that for him. We have so much fun together too. We joke around and play around. We have a blast. People who hang out with us said they just love watching us interact with each other and it makes me feel good to hear that. I'm glad that people can see that we're happy and in love. We are! We have gone through so many trials and have come out stronger than ever. I honestly believe that certain people could not have survived some of the things that we've been through. But we did and that makes me feel comforted. I married my soul mate. He is the love of my life. My true love. I remember growing up and crying over boys and dating and breaking up and thinking I will never be able to recover. So dramatic. My mother always told me, "You're going to look back on this and think wow, what a waste of time and tears." I don't regret those relationships. They helped mold me and make me a better person for my husband. But, it's true. If I would've known what was coming I wouldn't have worried so much and let my heart break. So, to the young girls out there that think that relationships in high school are important and that boys are everything now and that when they break your heart it's the end of the world. It's not. It gets better and you will find your prince.
Well, I of course have some inspirational quotes that I've come across and they've made my day so hopefully they can make yours too!
Baby news you ask? None to report as of now. I mean I had some weird spotting (ew) on Sunday and I don't know what in the heck that was but, I guess we'll find out in a week. But, you know what? I can deal with whatever the outcome is. It's still hard but I'm done stressing myself out over it. My life kind of did a 180 this month. Things were going really well and now it's not going so well. I'm so stressed my temples feel like they're going to explode and my eye is twitching. Not fun. I look up sometimes and say, "Ok, what's the plan here? Cause I'm lost!" I got my answer the other day. "Disappointments are just God's way of saying, 'I've got something better', so be patient, have faith and live your life." Pinterest, you always know what to say. So smart. I always think of that now. Something will get thrown at me and I just want to scream and I literally have a couple of times and then that quote comes into my mind and I just breathe and move on and live my life.
I am grateful that I have a husband to lean on. He's my best friend, my rock, my everything and I'm so blessed. Our marriage is not perfect. Absolutely not. We work hard every day and just like with every marriage there are times when you just want to throw your hands up in the air. I married this man for eternity and I plan on keeping it that way. We made very serious and special covenants in the temple and I could not have pictured anyone else sitting across the alter from me than my sweetheart Dallas. I love him more than anything. He makes me better and hopefully I do that for him. We have so much fun together too. We joke around and play around. We have a blast. People who hang out with us said they just love watching us interact with each other and it makes me feel good to hear that. I'm glad that people can see that we're happy and in love. We are! We have gone through so many trials and have come out stronger than ever. I honestly believe that certain people could not have survived some of the things that we've been through. But we did and that makes me feel comforted. I married my soul mate. He is the love of my life. My true love. I remember growing up and crying over boys and dating and breaking up and thinking I will never be able to recover. So dramatic. My mother always told me, "You're going to look back on this and think wow, what a waste of time and tears." I don't regret those relationships. They helped mold me and make me a better person for my husband. But, it's true. If I would've known what was coming I wouldn't have worried so much and let my heart break. So, to the young girls out there that think that relationships in high school are important and that boys are everything now and that when they break your heart it's the end of the world. It's not. It gets better and you will find your prince.
Well, I of course have some inspirational quotes that I've come across and they've made my day so hopefully they can make yours too!
Soo....
I went to the Health Spot today to get the results for my progesterone and got some pretty depressing news. I'm not even ovulating. No wonder I haven't gotten pregnant. It's a common cause of infertility. INFERTILITY! UGGHHHH!!!!!!
Pam is going to try to help me start ovulating again. She's put me on medication and supplements to get my progesterone up. I'm hardly producing any of it.
HORMONES SUCK!
The fact that I was late on my period was a true blessing though. I know that's weird to think, but if I hadn't have been late I wouldn't have figured this out for a long time.
A few years ago I got a similar test saying I wasn't producing enough progesterone then. They put me on progesterone cream but I stopped taking it cause it was making me gain weight and because I didn't think it was a big deal. NO ONE TOLD ME THAT IT MEANT I WASN'T OVULATING!
Please, PLEASE send your prayers. I really need to start ovulating. I need to get pregnant. We need to have a baby.
I appreciate and love all of you.
Pam is going to try to help me start ovulating again. She's put me on medication and supplements to get my progesterone up. I'm hardly producing any of it.
HORMONES SUCK!
The fact that I was late on my period was a true blessing though. I know that's weird to think, but if I hadn't have been late I wouldn't have figured this out for a long time.
A few years ago I got a similar test saying I wasn't producing enough progesterone then. They put me on progesterone cream but I stopped taking it cause it was making me gain weight and because I didn't think it was a big deal. NO ONE TOLD ME THAT IT MEANT I WASN'T OVULATING!
Please, PLEASE send your prayers. I really need to start ovulating. I need to get pregnant. We need to have a baby.
I appreciate and love all of you.
My Body's Crazy!!!
This last week has been insane. It's been extremely frustrating and exhausting and I'm glad I got things figured out today. Let's start from the beginning. Normally about a week before Aunt Flow is supposed to arrive I start cramping but there was nothing. I thought that was odd, either I'm pregnant or the supplements are doing their job! My period was due May 1st. Well May 1st came and went and nothing. I took a pregnancy test and it was, no surprise, negative. I was a little bummed but I also thought maybe it was a false negative. So, I waited for a couple of days and my period still didn't come so I took another test and again negative. 2 more days another test another negative. I was getting really irritated! I kept thinking well if I'm not pregnant than where the heck is my period?! I called the Health Spot and Pam ordered me an HCG blood test and a progesterone test. I went in on Sunday ( I know it was the Sabbath, but I was 6 days late and going insane!) and got the blood test and asked when I could get the results and they told me to call in an hour. I was SO nervous. I called exactly at an hour and they told me my HCG quantitive was 1. I was like. "Ok? Does that mean I'm pregnant or not?" They told me that they don't test negative or positive, just the levels and that my doctor would tell me. I called Pam and told her what they said and she said "Oh, well I'll get your progesterone levels tomorrow and call you." WHAT?! Why isn't anyone telling me what that stupid test means?! I had to freakin google it and found that if it's under 5 than it's negative. Wonderful, just wonderful. And then of course day 7, today, my period comes. UGH!!! I was so irritated! Last night I cried forever and then I was livid and then I cried some more. I told someone yesterday that I have been trying for 6 months and they made me feel horrible. Their response was, "Holy crap! That's a long time?" Is it though? Yes, it feels like FOREVER from my perspective but I mean come on there are people who didn't have kids til they tried for like 2 years or more. What I don't get is why am I not getting the magic baby dust that seems to be floating around Utah? Impregnating women at the drop of the hat? I go to church! I pay my tithing! I read my scriptures! I do my best to be a good wife to my husband! I work hard! I eat healthy! COME ON MOTHER NATURE! Be on MY side for once! You've already tortured me with these hellish periods that I've dealt with since I was 14!! Don't let me have suffered that long for no reason!! I'm so tired of this roller coaster. I don't want this to control my life.
And then I realized, control. I think that's the problem. This is beyond my control! This requires patience! Maybe, just maybe that's what the problem is! I am the most impatient person in the world. I also have to be in control of just about everything! And because I have to wait and I don't have control over getting pregnant it's making me crazy! Maybe that's what I need to learn. To let go and let God and to be patient.
So, I've decided that I'm not going to focus on this anymore. I'm going to focus on the blessings. I have this time to be with my husband and for us to grow together. We have this time for him to focus on school and me to focus on work. There is a very special spirit waiting to come down and we need to be the best parents we can be for him/her. I have this time to focus on getting better with my endometriosis and to getting my body healthy and in shape so that I can be strong enough to carry and care for our baby. We have this time to work on our finances, finish paying off our debts, pay for my husbands school, and save up our money so that we can give our baby whatever he/she needs to be happy and healthy.
Patience. Faith. Letting Go. Seeing the positive. That's what I need to learn.
I want to have a baby more than anything. I really do. But it's not on my time. It's on the Lord's.
Thank you for the continued prayers and for your support. I love you all. You're amazing.
This will happen for Dallas and I. I know it. I had this feeling last night that I really have nothing to worry about and I feel that, that peace came from your prayers and from my Husbands faith. Mine's not strong enough but his is and I'm so blessed to have him. He helps me improve myself every day.
Here are some great quotes on Faith. They have helped me a lot so I thought I'd share! :)
I've realized that I have this complex. I can't ever be told what to do or I flip out! At work, it's a different story. But, family members, friends, etc. drives me NUTS! I don't know why? But it started when I was a teenager. I thought it would end by the time I moved out of my parents house but nope, still makes me crazy!
Well I went to my follow up at The Health Spot and I thought that Pam was going to start singing! She looked at my levels and was so pleased and so was I! My hormone levels were at a normal level, my anxiety levels, everything! I was so excited. I haven't felt this good in a loong time! I have more energy and I'm not in pain anymore. This stuff works, I am an example right here! I feel like the old me. It makes me soo happy! I wanted to show you the difference between my first and second visit! It's crazy! Here are some pictures.
Well I went to my follow up at The Health Spot and I thought that Pam was going to start singing! She looked at my levels and was so pleased and so was I! My hormone levels were at a normal level, my anxiety levels, everything! I was so excited. I haven't felt this good in a loong time! I have more energy and I'm not in pain anymore. This stuff works, I am an example right here! I feel like the old me. It makes me soo happy! I wanted to show you the difference between my first and second visit! It's crazy! Here are some pictures.
Red and yellow (as you can guess) are bad. My levels in the Lymph/drainage went up a little bit but I was fighting off a cold at the time. But it's pretty awesome! :) She said she's hoping I'll get pregnant this month or next. That probably wasn't the best thing to say to someone like me because it got my hopes up a little bit.
I'll be finding out if I'm pregnant or not in a little over a week so please lots of prayers and baby dust because I don't think I can handle getting disappointed for a 6th time. It's becoming too hard. I'm trying not to stress out about it but it's difficult because I want it more than anything. It's also really hard with all of the outside forces constantly asking me if I'm pregnant or asking me when we're going to get pregnant. It kills me, I can't handle the pressure anymore. It sucks. So, again, lots of prayers and baby dust!
I appreciate all of you! You're the best and I know your praying for me because I improve everyday. Thank you for the love and support! You're the best! :)
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