When did life get so complicated?

I mean what happened to the days when your main goal for the day was to skip nap time and continue playing dress up? You're going through that awkward transition in Junior High School where you were going through puberty and you still had baby fat in your face and still in braces and people called you chipmunk?  When you were waiting on that cute guy in your class to ask you to the prom? Or you were packing up for college with your best friend and your dad helping you and you're all bawling like babies cause life is moving too fast? When you and your best friend are discussing the fact that we could be married or engaged in a year or 2 and then laughing cause there was no way that was going to happen so fast? People are staring at you and your mom because you're crying so hard on the side of the road they think someone died?  Before I knew it I was here in Utah dating stupid college boys not wanting to get serious because there was no way I was getting married before I was 25. Commitment? No thank you! Then all of a sudden, there he is. Mr. Perfect. Mr. Right. He just popped into my life unexpectedly and I fell for him fast and hard. We got engaged 4 months later and then married 8 months after that. We pulled through a difficult engagement because I was on birth control and depression medication and was not myself what so ever. But there he was, by my side and helping me pull through because he knew the real Breanna was in there somewhere. The one he fell in love with. I got off the medication and bc and I was myself again and we were sealed for Time and All Eternity in the Salt Lake Temple. I thought that was the last of our troubles! We can make it through anything after that! We're on our way to having the perfect life! 3 months into our marriage while I was on the Nuvaring I was a day late and decided I'd take a pregnancy test and it came out positive. WHAT?! Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant! We're going to have a baby! Holy crap! How are we going to handle this? We've only been married for 3 months.....Whatever! We can make it through anything! But I couldn't shake this pit in my stomach. What was it?? I called  Dallas and my mom and dad and they were so stoked! But still there was that pit! Why?? Dallas got home from work and decided we should take another test. I took 2 and one was positive and the other negative! What?? How is that even possible?!  Then an hour later I started to bleed heavily. I was devastated. I talked to my obgyn and he said that it was most likely a chemical pregnancy and to keep an eye on the bleeding and make sure I didn't hemorrhage. The miscarriage went as smoothly as a miscarriage could and I continued on the Nuvaring. 1 year and 9 months into our marriage we decide let's start a family! 1st month no luck. No big deal! Hardly anyone gets pregnant after the first try! 2nd month still nothing. That's ok, stay optimistic! Most people don't get pregnant until they've been trying for 6 months anyway. More trying and more nothing. My periods were becoming increasingly painful and I couldn't handle it anymore so I decided to go  The Health Spot. We had been trying for 4 months at that point which wasn't long so I didn't go solely for the reason to get pregnant but it'd be a bonus if I did! The Health Spot does a natural approach and helped my cousin who had struggled with pregnancy and endometriosis get pregnant.  Before I went to the Health Spot my periods had started getting later and later even though they felt better. They did some blood work and found out that my estrogen levels were very high and my progesterone aka: "The Pregnancy Hormone" levels were very low. I wasn't ovulating. They changed my regimen and finally I started to ovulate! We had been trying for 7 months at that point. My periods started to regulate but still no baby. One more blood test and I was Vitamin D deficient which oddly enough affects fertility as well. Ok, good we got it all figured out. This month, month 9 I started to spot a week before my period was due. I looked it up and saw that it could either be early period or implantation bleeding! Fingers crossed for implantation! I couldn't wait and I broke my promise and took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. I started to get that frog in my throat but I swallowed it and told myself, "Ok, month 10 will be the charm!" So, after that long story my point is that when did life get so complicated?? Everything that's happened to me in the past seems so easy to me now! Haha, I would go through it again to avoid going through this right now! Lol. Well, Dallas and I have started to prepare ourselves financially and emotionally for surgery for me in November. I am terrified! I have never had surgery before. Has anyone else had surgery for endometriosis? Is it scary? Is it painful? Is recovery long? My 2 biggest feas of surgery is that I'm allergic to the anesthesia and it'll cause complications and I won't wake up or they'll open me up and see that my endometriosis is too severe and that I need to start looking into other options. Ugh! I'm so terrified, but I will most likely have to do it unless I get pregnant next month or October! (Fingers crossed!)  I keep trying to be positive and it's getting easier. But patience is not my thing! Haha! I could really use some advice about this surgery thing so please feel free!

Oh and btw got some sweet mint pants that I've been dying to get forever! hoorah!!

Well,

I had said I was going to make my blog private due to someone's negative comments. I have decided not to give that person the satisfaction of thinking they won, because they didn't. Some people are going to have negative opinions about what I'm going through and that's fine. I've heard it all. "I feel like you're panicking too soon." "Don't you think you're blowing this a little out of proportion?" "You've only been trying for 9 months, that's not that big of a deal" (Say's the lady who got pregnant on her first try.) Whatever, maybe I am doing all of that. In all honesty I wouldn't be panicking if I didn't know I had endometriosis which can cause infertility and if everyone and their dog wasn't getting pregnant around me lol. I've already been told I have fertility problems so, yes there is a fear there that it could be unfix-able. I have only been trying for 9 months, which compared to the women who have been trying for 5 years, isn't that long. But, I'm sorry, either way whether it's been months or years it does not make it any easier. I am doing better though. I really don't think about it as much. I don't really cry anymore. Except on Sunday during fast and testimony meeting when some women had the gal to go up and share their "fertility issues". They had been trying for a few months and were getting discouraged but then they bought a house so Heavenly Father blessed them with a pregnancy two weeks later....BLAH BLAH BLAH! I get it, it's still hard if you don't get pregnant right away but that is a very personal struggle. One that you should not be sharing at the pulpit in church. (Blogs are totally okay ;) ). Then, of course that became the theme for testimony meeting. I got really annoyed. But, seriously I'm doing better. I don't talk or think about it that much. With that said, when the time comes for aunt flow to arrive and she does instead of a positive pregnancy test then that could all change in a heartbeat! Haha. But I'm staying optimistic!

Well my brother-in-law reported to the MTC today! He's going to the Philippines Bacolod Mission and he will be speaking the language Tagolic! Whoa, don't even know what language that is! Haha, but all power to him! He will do great for sure. I'm so proud of him. I feel like it was just yesterday that I had dinner with the Reynolds family for the first time and Dylan was sitting right next to me. I, of course, was trying to fit in with the boys and made a "that's what she said" joke quietly to Dylan and what does he do when I leave? RATS ON ME! Little punk! I never forgave him for that! Lol. That was 3 years ago! Wow, time flies. I have grown very close with Dylan. Especially when Dallas was in Oregon doing summer sales and a lot of my friends stopped hanging out with me because being friends with an engaged girl is not very fun I guess. ;). I hung out with Dylan and my other brother-in-law Jesse quite frequently. I would take them to school, football practice, we'd go to movies together, we'd hang out at the house. We did a lot of stuff together. Dylan is like a brother to me and with that we have a tendency to fight like brother and sister. Not like Devin and I thank heavens because we would get into fist fights haha. I'm gonna miss him while he's gone but I'm not worried about him at all because Dylan is a hard worker and will do very well I feel. GOD SPEED ELDER!

I went to a sealing for Dallas's cousin about a week ago and it was really neat. The sealer shook my hand and welcomed me and I went and took my seat and my mother in law sits next to me and was like, "Bre, that was Elder Oakes!" Wow! I felt like a moron! I can't believe I did not even recognize him! (For those of you who don't know Elder Oakes is an apostle for the LDS church.) It was really cool though. I just felt horrible that I did not even realize who it was. Someone had to tell me! So embarrassing! Haha.

We also went to Bear Lake again for Raspberry Days and that was a lot of fun. We went to a fair and a breakfast and the rest of the time we spent on the boat or in the water! It was fun!

Oh, and I found a 4 leaf clover!! It was awesome! I was really excited about it! Haha, so hopefully it will bring us some added luck! :)

Well, hopefully next time I update this Dallas and I will have some good news for you! Not getting my hopes up but just being faithful! But, until then prayers are still welcomed! :). Love you all!

This last week was MUCH NEEDED! We went to Bear Lake for the fourth of July and I love it out there. We went boating, fishing, tubing, water skiing, jet skiing, went into town and ate the Old Epraim Pizza which is 28" and got some delicious malts! It was great fun. We all did get pretty sunburned though so I was miserable the last two days but I made the best of it! And, because of all of the wildfires we didn't get to set off any fireworks! LAME! But we still had a lot of fun.

The 4th we got there and set everything up then went to Dal's uncles cabin. The cabin HUGE and we had Cafe Rio salads and hung out.The next day it rained :(. So we went on the boat for a little bit and realized that was a bad choice so we went to Uncle Gary's cabin again and watched Sherlock Holmes. The day after that Dallas had to go to school and the rest of us went boating and all of that fun stuff. That's when we all got severely sunburned. I got the worst of it cause I haven't been out in the sun for a year haha. I wore this cotton dress the rest of the week as Dallas lathered aloe vera on me every hour. It was pitiful! The night Dallas got back we went to Bear Lake Pizza and ate the Old Ephraim! It was pretty good and huge! We ate the whole thing and got our picture on the wall! Fun stuff. The next day we spent on the boat and jet ski. Then all of us took turns fishing and each of us caught a fish so that was fun. Then we packed up and went home. I love Bear Lake. The water is so blue and the weather (except for that one day) is always perfect. I took tons of pictures so I'll post a few of them now!

So, I'll give you a little update on the pregnancy thing. I don't know if I'm going to post that much about it anymore. I feel people are probably getting tired of the "woe is me" stuff. So, we're on month 8 of trying and I started cramping yesterday :(. So most likely not pregnant. I did cry of course. I had a thought yesterday and I didn't really like it. I have prayed about whether Dallas and I will have children of our own and I received an answer that we will but, that doesn't mean "naturally". I may have to get the surgery. I may have to go to fertility specialists. I may have to get invitro. I am willing to try all of those things. What I don't like is the time and money that will go into all of that. I am grateful for the technology we have today to give women ,who can't do it themselves, the opportunity to get pregnant. I've decided that if I don't get pregnant by next month then I will no longer be going to The Health Spot. While it has definitely made me feel better it hasn't helped me accomplish the main reason why I went there which was to get pregnant. It costs a lot of money and I don't want to continue spending it on something that just might not work for me. It's definitely a bummer but what can you do? 

I'm tired of these women who got pregnant quickly and easily telling me to be patient, be happy for my friends and acquaintances that are pregnant, blah blah blah. I want to get something straight first of all. I am very VERY happy for my friends who have gotten pregnant quickly and recently. I'm so glad they don't have to endure the pain that I and many more women have to. I truly am thrilled or them. Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes. Do I get jealous of them? Yes. Do I covet what they have? Yes. Am I unhappy for them? No. Someone told me about a week or so ago that I am being selfish in how I feel and on my outlook. I quickly pointed out to them that while yes I could probably change my outlook on it and be less bitter, which is harder than they seem to grasp by the way, I don't understand how I am being selfish. I am willing to give up my body for a human being to grow inside of. I am willing to vomit my guts up for my child to live inside of me for 9 months. I am willing to sacrifice my dreams and my life to raise my children and give them a comfortable and happy life. I don't believe that is selfish. Now, if it is please let me know so that I may correct myself. 

One last thing. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. While yes I am going through a difficult trial right now and it is hard for me, I am not fragile. Don't feel the need if you are pregnant to get my approval. I can assure you that I am happy for you and will support you all the way! Don't worry about blindsiding me or feeling the need to tell me first because you are worried about me. It's not about me! It's about you and the precious life you and your spouse have just created. Don't worry about me. Worry about being healthy and happy! I am happy for you and I love you! Yes, I might cry and be angry but it's not because of you. It's not your fault. Do not feel bad. My feelings are about me and the anger towards my body. Not you. So please just know that I am thrilled for you. Truly, I am. 

Love you all! :)

Well, I started my new job at 24 hour fitness! I love it! It is so laid back which is EXACTLY what I need. The kids are so great and so cute. Of course some are obnoxious but that's to be expected. I thought this job would make me less baby hungry. Nope. It makes me want kids more so that I can experience all of the cute stuff these kids do with my own! Hopefully it will get my stress levels down enough so this can be the month for us! I have been religious on taking my supplements and my shake. I have thrown dairy COMPLETELY out! (Except tonight we had lasagna because my mother-in-law made it for dinner. I did not feel well after either). No more highly processed foods and exercising more. Let me tell ya, I am feeling SO much better! It's like night and day! I have more energy, my attitude is better, it's awesome. I can tell my estrogen levels are still a little high cause I broke out on my chest. It makes me so mad! I haven't had a pimple since high school and now all of a sudden acne city on my chest! Grr! But it is getting better seeing as to how I'm not exploding at every single little thing. Which is nice because I felt really bad when I did. I knew I was being mean but at the same time my anger overwhelmed the guilt. No bueno. But we're all good now. Some days are easy and some days are not when it comes to the baby thing. I see a girl with a baby bump or my friends planning there baby showers and what not and I break down. But then there are times when I'm totally fine and it doesn't affect me at all. I just get bitter when I see these no good piece of crap, druggie women popping out babies like it's nothing and I haven't even had one. I'm only 22 and I understand that I'm young and I have plenty of time. It's just hard when you want it now! (Insert foot stomp here). Haha. I have put my trust in the Lord though and I have finally, truthfully, accepted that it may take some time for us. I always say that. Haha. But this time I'm for real. It's gonna be okay. Just do me a favor newlyweds. don't get pregnant before me!! Haha, Just kidding! ;).

So we are going to Bear Lake for the 4th of July! I'm so excited! I really REALLY need this vacation! We're going to be in the sun so I'll get my Vitamin D! ;). I'll make sure to take lots of pictures to post on here. I feel like I never post pictures anymore haha.

Dallas and I got to babysit my cousins kids last night and that was fun. Do you think I have enough children in my life? I am the secretary in the Primary Presidency, I work at the Kids Club at 24 Hour Fitness, and I babysit peoples kids every once in a while. I'm thinkin, I'm ready for my own now. Eh? Here's some pictures of our fun filled night! They love Dallas! Wyatt crawls all over him as you will see here!

Oh and I got my hair done. I got the Ombre style. I'm probably going to dye it back in a week though. It's been fun but I miss my dark hair! 

Well everyone I will post on here next week about our Bear Lake trip! Love you all! :) 

Of Course

You guys had to know that there was a post coming after reading my dramatic status updates right?? Haha. Well, I am now 11 days late and I went and got a blood test on Saturday to see what is going on. Am I pregnant? Am I not? What's up yo?? Well first of all, the chick that drew my blood. You suck! It STUNG the whole time! She had to fill 3 viles and I'm like, "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!" My whole arm hurt the rest of the day! I mean come on! And now I have a monster bruise on my arm! So pretty.

So, the blood tests were for my HCG levels, estrogen, progesterone, and vitamin d. Well, as most of you know my progesterone levels were super low last time, like a 4.5 so that meant I wasn't ovulating. Well, now my progesterone levels are normal but my estrogen is high! Oh, the joys of having endometriosis (which is cleared up, but I still get to have fun with the hormones part of it)! Leveling out hormones is a CONSTANT battle. But, what can you do? I've been wondering why I have been so bipolar this month. Seriously, I've had so much uncontrollable anger. Anything set me off and I felt out of control and I just wanted to punch holes in the walls haha. Estrogen makes you crazy and too much of it makes you extra "cray cray". So that is the mystery to Aunt Flow running late THIS month. Last month progesterone, this month estrogen. Come on! Let's get it right this month!! Shall we?? Breanna is getting more and more impatient. Well, as you can guess that means I am not preggo. Sad day. It wasn't too hard to hear though cause I sort of prepared myself. I took an HPT  a few days before the blood test and that test was negative. Of course there is always going to be a little bit of hope but, unfortunately, not happenin for us this month. And that's ok. It's getting easier and easier to accept I think. What has made it so hard for me I think is that I live in Utah. The state of Pregnant Women. Right?? It seems like everywhere I turn someone is pregnant or has a brand new baby. "Excuse me waiter, can I have what she's having please?" I need to dip my toes in the rivers of fertility that must be flowin somewhere. I just missed the memo!

It will happen for us. I know it will. Sometimes I do wonder am I ever going to experience pregnancy and birth and raising my own child? It seems so surreal to me. Like a dream that I'll never reach. But then I pray and I know it's coming. I have dreams about it all the time and they're awesome and scary! haha. So, just gotta keep truckin! I have a new Job at 24 Hour Fitness in the Kids Club! So, I'm excited about that! New adventures!

Thanks again for the prayers and support! Love you all!

Respect

My tolerance today is wearing pretty thin. My mood has been pretty wacky this month to tell you the honest truth, it's been pretty crazy. I have been up. I have been down. All over the place. Dallas is a little scared lol. Poor guy. He was like, "Okay, I don't know what's up with you but you have never been this moody or emotional." It probably has to do with my periods being out of whack. Last month I was a week late and this month I am now a week and one day late. I won't take another test. I don't want to. I'm scared. But, my doctor wants me to get a blood test. Fine, that I'm ok with. I think it's easier then seeing the negative on the test.

Well, what I'm really posting about today is respect. Respect for what you ask? Respect for mine and others decisions.

I have a very low tolerance for people who try to force things on me that I don't believe in and make me feel bad for the things I do believe in. Whether it be religion, politics, medication, or where I'm going to have my baby when I do have a baby.

I lived in Texas for 10 years of my life and I LOVED it there. I had a lot of great friends and great experiences. I am LDS for those of you who don't know and I love my religion. I believe in it with my whole heart and no one is going to change my feelings on that. Trust me, they've already tried. I was one of maybe 5 or 6 "Mormon's" in my school and I got teased a lot! Now, of course, it was good natured, most of the time. I was fine with that. I can laugh at myself. It was the times when people would tell me that what I believed in was wrong, that it is a cult. I will be the first to tell you that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a cult. We believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer and we believe in a book called the Book of Mormon which is another testament of Christ. It is not a rewrite of the Bible which we also believe in. My point though is that people would tell me it was wrong. I had Baptist friends, Methodist friends, Catholic friends, and not once would I ever say that what they have chosen to believe in is wrong. I would be happy to tell you about my religion and why I believe it and kindly let you know that while I think your religion is great, I just don't agree with all of it. Does that mean I think it's wrong? It's a cult? You're going to hell? No. So please, respect my beliefs.

I'm not going to touch on politics. I am a republican and conservative and that is that. That's all I'm going to say. Lol, I don't mess with politics much.

When it comes to medication I believe in both western medicine and the natural approach. With my trying to get pregnant I have decided, for the time being, to go the natural route. That is my choice. When I have been trying for a year and am still not pregnant then I will be going to my obgyn and trying things like clomid and what not. But this is what I want to do now and it's working for me. I feel better. My endometriosis is cleared up and now I am finally ovulating. Two things I have struggled with since I was 14. But there are other natural approaches out there, other supplements, oils, things like that. While I think those other things work great and works for certain people. It just doesn't work for me and at the moment I have no interest in it. I would like people to respect that. I know people think it might be weird that I'm doing the natural route with trying to get pregnant. But, this works for me right now. I'm not going to pressure other women that are struggling to get pregnant to go to The Health Spot. I would be more than happy to tell you how it's working for me and how it could work for you but if you've decided to use doTerra, or hormone replacements, or other supplements I'm not going to tell you that you're decision is wrong or stupid or make you feel bad! I commend you! I think what you've decided to do is great. Just don't try to make me go that route. If I feel it's necessary than I will. But, for now, this is what's working for me. So please, respect that.

I have decided to have my baby in a hospital with an epidural. I have dear friends who have chosen to have their babies in birthing centers! I think that's great! I have never once told them it's stupid or wrong or said things to scare them out of it. While, yes, I do think there is a higher risk to have your baby outside of the hospital, it is your decision and I respect that. I want to make sure my baby gets the best medical care it can whether or not there are any complications. I have no pain tolerance so yes I will be getting an epidural. I do not believe that it drugs up the baby. I know plenty of people who's mothers had an epidural while they were being born and they turned out just fine. My husband is one of them. I'm sure that most people in the United States were born that way. There are many studies out there saying there are advantages and disadvantages to having a baby in a hospital. Just like there are advantages and disadvantages to having a baby in a birthing center or at home. There are plenty of babies out there who have been born in a birthing center or at home who have had no complications, no risks. That's awesome. If I had the guts, heck, I would try it. But I am a worry wart and I don't want to take that risk and that is my decision. I ask for respect for that.

I don't want to be pressured into doing things that I don't agree with. I won't pressure you so please don't pressure me. I know I take risks when I post about stuff like this. I'm sure I'll get some opinions and that's fine. But, I just wanted to put this out there because it's how I feel. I am HUGE on respect. I was taught my whole life about respect and I give it to people who deserve it. Heck, I give it to people who don't deserve it sometimes. I love you all. Thank you for reading my posts and for your support.

A special shout out to Julie Bean. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. It really touched my heart. You made my day and I will not forget that. Thank you!

Well...

Took a pregnancy test last night and BIG HUGE SHOCKER it was negative. Imagine my joy. Now we're going on month 8 of trying. It's becoming so irritating. I really thought this time that I could be pregnant. All I could think about yesterday is how badly I want to hold our little baby. I want to watch him or her grow up and kiss their booboo's, teach them to ride a bike, take them to the park, try to calm them down when they're screaming and crying, watch cartoons with them, change their diapers, stay up all hours of the night with them trying to get them to fall asleep, I want that. I want to see a mini Dallas and Breanna running around the house. It's getting harder as more and more people are getting pregnant and I'm just, not. I'm trying to have patience and faith but it's getting harder and harder. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm angry.

I've prayed and read my scriptures and gone to the temple. I just want some sort of hint that everything's going to be ok and that we'll be able to have kids. Dallas told me yesterday that he felt that there are spirits up there waiting to come down. But I was also crying hysterically and wonder if he was just saying that to make me feel better. Which would be very sweet. Or it may be true. I just don't know at this point.

If I don't get pregnant by the year mark then I have to get surgery. I don't want surgery. I've never had surgery. I will do it if that means I can get pregnant. But I don't want to. I'm also afraid of them opening me up, doing what they need to, and then telling me well here's some other stuff we found and you can't get pregnant. It terrifies me.

I know most of the time my posts start off as depressing and then become uplifting but I'm just having a harder and harder time staying positive. I'm sorry that this post is so depressing. I just wish that the mothers out there who have had the privilege of getting pregnant so quickly or getting pregnant at all realize how blessed they are. I hear women complaining that motherhood is so hard and telling me to wait. Well, I have no choice but to wait. But look at your child. How much you love them. How much they love you. They belong to you. There are so many women out there who would trade places with you in a second. I would. I know that I haven't been trying for years. I know that. I'm not going to put myself in the category of those women. But at this rate I have a feeling I'll be in that same category.

Thank you all again for all of your love and support and prayers.