I have decided to write a post directed to infertility. To kind of give some people an insight on how it feels to be a person that can not conceive without help or possibly can not conceive at all. I've been debating about writing this for a while because I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak from my experience and how I feel being a woman suffering from infertility.
For those of you who don't know I have been diagnosed with PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which is a disorder that causes you not to release a mature egg each month (aka ovulation) so it forms a cyst instead. It mimics diabetes because you are insulin resistant. So I have been deemed infertile because I am unable to conceive without medical help.
I've heard infertility being called a "silent epidemic" Women and also men, yes there are men out there who do suffer from infertility, are reluctant to tell anyone about their infertility for lots of reasons, but when they keep it inside, they suffer alone. Infertility is a lonely place. It is a huge struggle that if you're not willing to share or confront that can be more than devastating. I have a spouse by my side who is unfortunately also suffering from this, even though he is not infertile and perfectly healthy, and I still feel alone sometimes. Not because he hasn't been there for me because he has. He has been my rock and my shoulder to cry on during this whole thing and I have for him on some days when he can't be strong for the both of us.
Why is infertility so hard? Here are some summarized reasons as to why:
If you are undergoing infertility treatment, your heart and soul aches for a baby. And I mean aches. Your heart is ripped to shreds every month when your hopes are up and then you find out that another month of your life has passed without your dream becoming a reality.
Your body is completely invaded. You are prodded, poked, inspected....every month. Sometimes every week. I've had my blood drawn. I've had cultures. I've had Transvaginal ultrasounds. Not my idea of a fun time people. Not at all.
You can become bitterly jealous, angry, and even resentful. I have to check myself at the door every so often. It's no one's fault that I'm not able to get pregnant. If I'm having a difficult day it will seem like every woman I see is pregnant or has a new born baby. I want to ask people sometimes, "did you even have to try?" or, "do you know what it's like to have your heart wrecked every single month?" On a really hard day, I'll just close the door or lay on my couch, put my head in my hands, and just cry until I'm numb.
People don't know what to say or they don't even know and they come across as insensitive. Everyone is sure that they have the answer or the "magic cure" that will help you have a baby, but no amount of vacationing can heal this particular medical condition. If you are battling infertility, try to have a little grace for people you thinks are being insensitive. I know I have to remind myself to give them a pass because even though I feel like they're intentionally being the biggest most insensitive jerk in the world, lol, they're really not. They don't know. So have grace for them and I'm sure they'll have a little grace for you when you have your bitter moments.
It seems sooo unfair. If you know you would be a good mother (or if you're battling with secondary infertility and know you are a good mother). If your heart yearns for a lot of children, a big family, that you can love and nurture. I fyou know that you will do your best to teach your children how to be productive, respectful, loving, empathetic, adorable little creatures. If you see people around you who don't appreciate their children. Then you start to wonder how life can just be so unfair. Why you got handed the crap card in this particular area. You're a good person right?
People just don't understand. Unless people go through it or until they do, heaven forbid, they don't get it. You WANT people to understand, but you would never wish this torment on anyone, not even your worst enemy. So you suffer alone so that you won't seem whiney and depressed.
It is an emotional roller coaster. Ever month, you go through stages of grief just in the nick of time to come out on the other side and be hopeful again. Even optimistic. And every month, your hope is thrashed. You realize that you are-once again- just as far from holding your new precious baby as you were last month...or last year.
It's hard on your marriage. Dallas and I have a solid marriage, and we have had moments of just-not-on-the-same-page because of infertility. It's not easy to hold each other up when you're just so tired from holding yourself up.
You find yourself ignoring the happy announcements of other people. "We weren't even trying!" "We're having our 12th baby! Yay! We are so fertile!" or "I know we just had a baby yesterday, but we're PREGNANT AGAIN!"........Some days are always harder than others, but during this journey, I have learned a few important things:
1. Family is not a number. No matter how many children Dallas and I have or if we have children, our family started the day we sat across from each other at the alter and became husband and wife. No matter how many children we have, our family has been complete since March 5th, 2010.
2. I am not alone. Every time I open up about this on here or to someone in person, I hear a story like mine. I am fortunate enough to have a few people who are going through or have been through the same thing. We call, text, or talk on facebook quite frequently.
3. There is hope. When things can't get any darker, they can only get brighter from there.
If you are facing infertility, I pray with all my soul that you will have as many children as you want and that your days of waiting for your precious miracle are numbered. I pray the same thing for myself. I know what it feels like to cry or yell or scream when someone updates their facebook status with, "Hey, GUESS WHAT?!", and I KNOW what it feels like to mourn someone who never was. I know that no one really and truly understands what you're going through...and I hope and pray they NEVER do. I know the very last things you want to hear are, "if you stop thinking about it and/or adopt you'll get pregnant...I have an aunt/dog/cousin/co worker/hairstylist who did it that way!" and "Don't worry, this is all part of God's plan." I have become an expert on smiling and nodding when someone asks, "Aren't you guys going to have kids soon?" Intense desire for something coupled with the inability to fulfill that desire is life's most painful combination. I truly am so thankful for what I have. I don't deserve a lot of good things in my life. But "deserving" and "desiring" are two different things.
I've already talked about in one of my posts that I don't want pity. I most definitely don't want to ruin anyone's happiness when they're getting ready to welcome a new little one into the world. I certainly don't want people walking on eggshells around me because of what I'm going through. I'd much rather hear, "This really sucks...I'm so sorry." than anything else anyone could say.
I guess we wouldn't appreciate the good things in life if we didn't have go through the bad things. No one wants to endure painful trials, but we all do and unfortunately that's part of living in this world. And assuming we make it through, we all come out with tougher skin on the other side, even though there may be a few battle scars. Every piece of my infertility struggle has been a personal nightmare. After each moment has passed, I realize how much stronger I have become and that's it's going to be ok. Hellish as it is. Infertility is not my story, but it's a part of my story. Hopefully a part of my story that will only be a painful memory and that I will be able to chase our little children around until I'm old and gray.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for praying. And thanks for the support.
So, it turns out there's more
No, not more symptoms. More wrong with me. Isn't that a joyful thing to hear?? Turns out high insulin levels cause high testosterone and estrogen. Oh no wait! It get's better, I'm not ovulating again! My progesterone levels went down so the likelihood of my being pregnant this month is very slim. So those who told me it was too soon for me to have symptoms you were right. Turns out it was because my hormones are once again a BIG GIANT MESS! I'm not done, I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome aka PCOS. I'm going to get a second opinion but I know it will just be the same thing so I don't know if it's worth it. So I have a 90% chance of having endometriosis and I have PCOS. What's PCOS? Click here and you'll find out. It's AWESOME! So they're putting me on a stricter regimen and I need to better my diet and exercise which I'm fine with. It's just who KNOWS how long it's going to take now!!! And, if it doesn't work then clomid. If that doesn't work surgery. If that doesn't work IVF. And IF THAT doesn't work than adoption. I know stuff like this happens to a lot of people but you never think it could happen to you. I always had this hope that I would get pregnant easily and on my own. Not take forever and have to get extra help! I hate that I'm not in complete control of my body right now. It's making me crazy. I did more research and PCOS is manageable if you are on a strict regimen but it's still discouraging. Pam told me not to get discouraged and we'll get this fixed. But it's hard not too when every single month you find out that something new is wrong with you! They work with the top fertility doctor in Utah so they'll send me to him if they need to but for now they're just getting some opinions from him on what to do with me. It's fun. :). I know Dallas doesn't feel this way because we talked about if there was a possibility that I had issues and we couldn't conceive would it change things. We talked about this before we got married and he said no because we would adopt and it would be just as great. But I still don't want to make him miss out on the opportunity to be a father to his own children when he's perfectly healthy and his wife is all messed up! It just breaks my heart. But if this is as manageable as what I've read and based on what Pam said than it make take a few more months or years but it can be possible. I could really use some prayers right now because I broke down when I left. It took all of my power not to break down in the middle of her office. They suspected PCOS from the beginning but I convinced myself I didn't have it but, now they tell me I definitely do and it sucks. But, anyway I just thought I would update everyone. Please pray for us. We could really use it right now.
Just a quick update...
Well I got the results for my blood work and culture yesterday. The culture was to see if, yes folks TMI again, I had a bacterial infection and thankfully it came back negative! HOORAY! So, they were checking my insulin, estrogen, DHEA, and Vitamin D. They were checking some other stuff but I don't remember and it's not that important because they were fine anyway haha. Oh yeah! One was for my thyroid and they said I have a little hypothyroidism (or was it hyper?), but it wasn't bad enough for them to worry about it. So my estrogen looks good! YAY! But my insulin is a little high. Now, I didn't ask if that meant that I was pre-diabetic or not so let's hope that's not the case. But they want to put me on this supplement that will lower it so that's good! My DHEA and Vitamin D haven't come in yet so I don't know on those. I'm sure my DHEA will be fine. Apparently it's a natural hormone your body produces to reverse or slow aging and my family age's really well so I'm not concerned lol. Also, I have been RELIGIOUS in taking my Vitamin D 5000 IU's so I'm not concerned about that either. So the mystery remains. What are these crazy symptoms from?? Now I have some new ones. Not only did I eat a pickle for breakfast....WHAT?!....but my back has been KILLING me and I have been having these weird vivid dreams. Last night I had a dream that I was about to run over a deer and then the deer turned into a bear and then the bear and some wolves, that appeared out of nowhere, tried to eat Dallas and I. We escaped and went to a church building and there were zombies in the church building and they tried to eat us. I don't know. It was really complicated and made NO sense and it terrified me! When I woke up I had to look around several times to realize I was in our room.
My desire to have a child has grown. I didn't know that was even possible at this point haha. But Dallas came home really upset because another girl in our ward announced her pregnancy. He said, "There is not one single person around us that isn't pregnant." It broke my heart. He hasn't really shown any emotion towards this whole situation but I've known he really wants a baby too. I catch him smiling and then frowning when he see's little babies or his expression hardening when people start discussing their lives being pregnant or having a child. But this was different. When you want a house you save up money and get it. Same for a car, or a new phone. But when you want a baby you just do what you can and hope it worked because you have no control over whether it does or doesn't. I just really want this to be the month for us. If it's not then I will understand and continue to be patient. But if this is the month for us then I will be overjoyed! I pray that it is! It's so hard not to get my hopes up with these crazy symptoms that I'm having but I can't really help it.
Please continue to pray for us. If not for a baby then to be able to continue to endure this hardship. We love you all. :)
My desire to have a child has grown. I didn't know that was even possible at this point haha. But Dallas came home really upset because another girl in our ward announced her pregnancy. He said, "There is not one single person around us that isn't pregnant." It broke my heart. He hasn't really shown any emotion towards this whole situation but I've known he really wants a baby too. I catch him smiling and then frowning when he see's little babies or his expression hardening when people start discussing their lives being pregnant or having a child. But this was different. When you want a house you save up money and get it. Same for a car, or a new phone. But when you want a baby you just do what you can and hope it worked because you have no control over whether it does or doesn't. I just really want this to be the month for us. If it's not then I will understand and continue to be patient. But if this is the month for us then I will be overjoyed! I pray that it is! It's so hard not to get my hopes up with these crazy symptoms that I'm having but I can't really help it.
Please continue to pray for us. If not for a baby then to be able to continue to endure this hardship. We love you all. :)
Weirdest Month Ever....
I have been having the weirdest things going on with my body and it's driving me a little crazy cause I'm not 100% sure as to what's causing them. Just so you know this may be a little TMI, so if there are boys reading my blog you may want to cover your eyes :). My boobs started hurting and feeling heavy on like the 4th of this month which I thought was odd and they've gotten progressively worse as days go by. Now today, the 9th, I am on day 18 of my cycle. My boobs don't start hurting until like day 24 of my cycle. So, I am slightly confused. Pam at the Health Spot believes it may be due to high estrogen levels (Oh, wouldn't that be a treat?!) but I have been diligent in taking my supplements and shake. But who knows. I got blood drawn AGAIN yesterday (7 viles btw) and I get the results today so we'll see what happens with that. Also, I have been EXHAUSTED. I'm thinking maybe it's because of work but then again, I work at a Credit Union for crying out loud! That shouldn't make me feel like I need to use clothespins to keep my eyes open right? I have also had to pee a lot more. The WEIRDEST thing happened on Friday night. I felt like I had to pee literally every second. To me all signs pointed to UTI. But then again it didn't hurt when I peed. I would go pee and then it just felt like I still needed to. Poor Dallas, I spent most of dinner in the bathroom while he sat there waiting for me lol. He asked me like 5 times "Are you pregnant?" I was like, "Pffh, I know as much as you sweetums!" Lol. But it was ridiculous! I would run to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was full to the brim only to have a few little trickles! It was so obnoxious! I told Dallas to take me home and I got in the bathtub hoping to maybe try to relax some muscles in there or do something to make it stop and luckily it worked. I have also been really bloated and (TMI) gassy and slightly constipated. Dallas took one look at me like a week ago and said, "Honey are you ok? You look like you're getting ready to start your period. Are you drinking enough water?" I drink water like it's candy so ya I'm good on that. I looked in the mirror and saw what he was seeing. What the heck?? Normally I don't bloat until my period is like a few days away! And, gross, I've been passing so much gas lately once again the famous question from Dallas, "Bre, are you pregnant?" Lol, oh what a cutie. He keeps asking me this question that I don't have the answer to. I'm hoping that this is all pregnancy related. That would be wonderful! But, I can't get my hopes up every month. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm trying to not read into it all too much (isn't it obvious ;)). But, at the same time I can't really help it. My body is screaming at me! Lol. But, if it turns out that my hormone levels are once again off then I guess we'll know the answer to that question. If they're not, then the mystery continues until the 22nd! It just made me nervous because Pam brought up that she wants Dallas and I to start saving up for IVF after December because it's expensive and may be a possibility for us. I told her I don't want to start worrying about that until I've been trying for two years. She's so sweet though. She's desperate to get me pregnant. I have prayed about it a lot though and I honestly don't feel like it will get to that point. I don't really feel like it'll get to the point of surgery either. But only time will tell. If not this month then here's to next month! :)
When did life get so complicated?
I mean what happened to the days when your main goal for the day was to skip nap time and continue playing dress up? You're going through that awkward transition in Junior High School where you were going through puberty and you still had baby fat in your face and still in braces and people called you chipmunk? When you were waiting on that cute guy in your class to ask you to the prom? Or you were packing up for college with your best friend and your dad helping you and you're all bawling like babies cause life is moving too fast? When you and your best friend are discussing the fact that we could be married or engaged in a year or 2 and then laughing cause there was no way that was going to happen so fast? People are staring at you and your mom because you're crying so hard on the side of the road they think someone died? Before I knew it I was here in Utah dating stupid college boys not wanting to get serious because there was no way I was getting married before I was 25. Commitment? No thank you! Then all of a sudden, there he is. Mr. Perfect. Mr. Right. He just popped into my life unexpectedly and I fell for him fast and hard. We got engaged 4 months later and then married 8 months after that. We pulled through a difficult engagement because I was on birth control and depression medication and was not myself what so ever. But there he was, by my side and helping me pull through because he knew the real Breanna was in there somewhere. The one he fell in love with. I got off the medication and bc and I was myself again and we were sealed for Time and All Eternity in the Salt Lake Temple. I thought that was the last of our troubles! We can make it through anything after that! We're on our way to having the perfect life! 3 months into our marriage while I was on the Nuvaring I was a day late and decided I'd take a pregnancy test and it came out positive. WHAT?! Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant! We're going to have a baby! Holy crap! How are we going to handle this? We've only been married for 3 months.....Whatever! We can make it through anything! But I couldn't shake this pit in my stomach. What was it?? I called Dallas and my mom and dad and they were so stoked! But still there was that pit! Why?? Dallas got home from work and decided we should take another test. I took 2 and one was positive and the other negative! What?? How is that even possible?! Then an hour later I started to bleed heavily. I was devastated. I talked to my obgyn and he said that it was most likely a chemical pregnancy and to keep an eye on the bleeding and make sure I didn't hemorrhage. The miscarriage went as smoothly as a miscarriage could and I continued on the Nuvaring. 1 year and 9 months into our marriage we decide let's start a family! 1st month no luck. No big deal! Hardly anyone gets pregnant after the first try! 2nd month still nothing. That's ok, stay optimistic! Most people don't get pregnant until they've been trying for 6 months anyway. More trying and more nothing. My periods were becoming increasingly painful and I couldn't handle it anymore so I decided to go The Health Spot. We had been trying for 4 months at that point which wasn't long so I didn't go solely for the reason to get pregnant but it'd be a bonus if I did! The Health Spot does a natural approach and helped my cousin who had struggled with pregnancy and endometriosis get pregnant. Before I went to the Health Spot my periods had started getting later and later even though they felt better. They did some blood work and found out that my estrogen levels were very high and my progesterone aka: "The Pregnancy Hormone" levels were very low. I wasn't ovulating. They changed my regimen and finally I started to ovulate! We had been trying for 7 months at that point. My periods started to regulate but still no baby. One more blood test and I was Vitamin D deficient which oddly enough affects fertility as well. Ok, good we got it all figured out. This month, month 9 I started to spot a week before my period was due. I looked it up and saw that it could either be early period or implantation bleeding! Fingers crossed for implantation! I couldn't wait and I broke my promise and took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. I started to get that frog in my throat but I swallowed it and told myself, "Ok, month 10 will be the charm!" So, after that long story my point is that when did life get so complicated?? Everything that's happened to me in the past seems so easy to me now! Haha, I would go through it again to avoid going through this right now! Lol. Well, Dallas and I have started to prepare ourselves financially and emotionally for surgery for me in November. I am terrified! I have never had surgery before. Has anyone else had surgery for endometriosis? Is it scary? Is it painful? Is recovery long? My 2 biggest feas of surgery is that I'm allergic to the anesthesia and it'll cause complications and I won't wake up or they'll open me up and see that my endometriosis is too severe and that I need to start looking into other options. Ugh! I'm so terrified, but I will most likely have to do it unless I get pregnant next month or October! (Fingers crossed!) I keep trying to be positive and it's getting easier. But patience is not my thing! Haha! I could really use some advice about this surgery thing so please feel free!
Oh and btw got some sweet mint pants that I've been dying to get forever! hoorah!!
Oh and btw got some sweet mint pants that I've been dying to get forever! hoorah!!
Well,
I had said I was going to make my blog private due to someone's negative comments. I have decided not to give that person the satisfaction of thinking they won, because they didn't. Some people are going to have negative opinions about what I'm going through and that's fine. I've heard it all. "I feel like you're panicking too soon." "Don't you think you're blowing this a little out of proportion?" "You've only been trying for 9 months, that's not that big of a deal" (Say's the lady who got pregnant on her first try.) Whatever, maybe I am doing all of that. In all honesty I wouldn't be panicking if I didn't know I had endometriosis which can cause infertility and if everyone and their dog wasn't getting pregnant around me lol. I've already been told I have fertility problems so, yes there is a fear there that it could be unfix-able. I have only been trying for 9 months, which compared to the women who have been trying for 5 years, isn't that long. But, I'm sorry, either way whether it's been months or years it does not make it any easier. I am doing better though. I really don't think about it as much. I don't really cry anymore. Except on Sunday during fast and testimony meeting when some women had the gal to go up and share their "fertility issues". They had been trying for a few months and were getting discouraged but then they bought a house so Heavenly Father blessed them with a pregnancy two weeks later....BLAH BLAH BLAH! I get it, it's still hard if you don't get pregnant right away but that is a very personal struggle. One that you should not be sharing at the pulpit in church. (Blogs are totally okay ;) ). Then, of course that became the theme for testimony meeting. I got really annoyed. But, seriously I'm doing better. I don't talk or think about it that much. With that said, when the time comes for aunt flow to arrive and she does instead of a positive pregnancy test then that could all change in a heartbeat! Haha. But I'm staying optimistic!
Well my brother-in-law reported to the MTC today! He's going to the Philippines Bacolod Mission and he will be speaking the language Tagolic! Whoa, don't even know what language that is! Haha, but all power to him! He will do great for sure. I'm so proud of him. I feel like it was just yesterday that I had dinner with the Reynolds family for the first time and Dylan was sitting right next to me. I, of course, was trying to fit in with the boys and made a "that's what she said" joke quietly to Dylan and what does he do when I leave? RATS ON ME! Little punk! I never forgave him for that! Lol. That was 3 years ago! Wow, time flies. I have grown very close with Dylan. Especially when Dallas was in Oregon doing summer sales and a lot of my friends stopped hanging out with me because being friends with an engaged girl is not very fun I guess. ;). I hung out with Dylan and my other brother-in-law Jesse quite frequently. I would take them to school, football practice, we'd go to movies together, we'd hang out at the house. We did a lot of stuff together. Dylan is like a brother to me and with that we have a tendency to fight like brother and sister. Not like Devin and I thank heavens because we would get into fist fights haha. I'm gonna miss him while he's gone but I'm not worried about him at all because Dylan is a hard worker and will do very well I feel. GOD SPEED ELDER!
Well my brother-in-law reported to the MTC today! He's going to the Philippines Bacolod Mission and he will be speaking the language Tagolic! Whoa, don't even know what language that is! Haha, but all power to him! He will do great for sure. I'm so proud of him. I feel like it was just yesterday that I had dinner with the Reynolds family for the first time and Dylan was sitting right next to me. I, of course, was trying to fit in with the boys and made a "that's what she said" joke quietly to Dylan and what does he do when I leave? RATS ON ME! Little punk! I never forgave him for that! Lol. That was 3 years ago! Wow, time flies. I have grown very close with Dylan. Especially when Dallas was in Oregon doing summer sales and a lot of my friends stopped hanging out with me because being friends with an engaged girl is not very fun I guess. ;). I hung out with Dylan and my other brother-in-law Jesse quite frequently. I would take them to school, football practice, we'd go to movies together, we'd hang out at the house. We did a lot of stuff together. Dylan is like a brother to me and with that we have a tendency to fight like brother and sister. Not like Devin and I thank heavens because we would get into fist fights haha. I'm gonna miss him while he's gone but I'm not worried about him at all because Dylan is a hard worker and will do very well I feel. GOD SPEED ELDER!
I went to a sealing for Dallas's cousin about a week ago and it was really neat. The sealer shook my hand and welcomed me and I went and took my seat and my mother in law sits next to me and was like, "Bre, that was Elder Oakes!" Wow! I felt like a moron! I can't believe I did not even recognize him! (For those of you who don't know Elder Oakes is an apostle for the LDS church.) It was really cool though. I just felt horrible that I did not even realize who it was. Someone had to tell me! So embarrassing! Haha.
We also went to Bear Lake again for Raspberry Days and that was a lot of fun. We went to a fair and a breakfast and the rest of the time we spent on the boat or in the water! It was fun!
Oh, and I found a 4 leaf clover!! It was awesome! I was really excited about it! Haha, so hopefully it will bring us some added luck! :)
Well, hopefully next time I update this Dallas and I will have some good news for you! Not getting my hopes up but just being faithful! But, until then prayers are still welcomed! :). Love you all!
This last week was MUCH NEEDED! We went to Bear Lake for the fourth of July and I love it out there. We went boating, fishing, tubing, water skiing, jet skiing, went into town and ate the Old Epraim Pizza which is 28" and got some delicious malts! It was great fun. We all did get pretty sunburned though so I was miserable the last two days but I made the best of it! And, because of all of the wildfires we didn't get to set off any fireworks! LAME! But we still had a lot of fun.
The 4th we got there and set everything up then went to Dal's uncles cabin. The cabin HUGE and we had Cafe Rio salads and hung out.The next day it rained :(. So we went on the boat for a little bit and realized that was a bad choice so we went to Uncle Gary's cabin again and watched Sherlock Holmes. The day after that Dallas had to go to school and the rest of us went boating and all of that fun stuff. That's when we all got severely sunburned. I got the worst of it cause I haven't been out in the sun for a year haha. I wore this cotton dress the rest of the week as Dallas lathered aloe vera on me every hour. It was pitiful! The night Dallas got back we went to Bear Lake Pizza and ate the Old Ephraim! It was pretty good and huge! We ate the whole thing and got our picture on the wall! Fun stuff. The next day we spent on the boat and jet ski. Then all of us took turns fishing and each of us caught a fish so that was fun. Then we packed up and went home. I love Bear Lake. The water is so blue and the weather (except for that one day) is always perfect. I took tons of pictures so I'll post a few of them now!
Love you all! :)
The 4th we got there and set everything up then went to Dal's uncles cabin. The cabin HUGE and we had Cafe Rio salads and hung out.The next day it rained :(. So we went on the boat for a little bit and realized that was a bad choice so we went to Uncle Gary's cabin again and watched Sherlock Holmes. The day after that Dallas had to go to school and the rest of us went boating and all of that fun stuff. That's when we all got severely sunburned. I got the worst of it cause I haven't been out in the sun for a year haha. I wore this cotton dress the rest of the week as Dallas lathered aloe vera on me every hour. It was pitiful! The night Dallas got back we went to Bear Lake Pizza and ate the Old Ephraim! It was pretty good and huge! We ate the whole thing and got our picture on the wall! Fun stuff. The next day we spent on the boat and jet ski. Then all of us took turns fishing and each of us caught a fish so that was fun. Then we packed up and went home. I love Bear Lake. The water is so blue and the weather (except for that one day) is always perfect. I took tons of pictures so I'll post a few of them now!
So, I'll give you a little update on the pregnancy thing. I don't know if I'm going to post that much about it anymore. I feel people are probably getting tired of the "woe is me" stuff. So, we're on month 8 of trying and I started cramping yesterday :(. So most likely not pregnant. I did cry of course. I had a thought yesterday and I didn't really like it. I have prayed about whether Dallas and I will have children of our own and I received an answer that we will but, that doesn't mean "naturally". I may have to get the surgery. I may have to go to fertility specialists. I may have to get invitro. I am willing to try all of those things. What I don't like is the time and money that will go into all of that. I am grateful for the technology we have today to give women ,who can't do it themselves, the opportunity to get pregnant. I've decided that if I don't get pregnant by next month then I will no longer be going to The Health Spot. While it has definitely made me feel better it hasn't helped me accomplish the main reason why I went there which was to get pregnant. It costs a lot of money and I don't want to continue spending it on something that just might not work for me. It's definitely a bummer but what can you do?
I'm tired of these women who got pregnant quickly and easily telling me to be patient, be happy for my friends and acquaintances that are pregnant, blah blah blah. I want to get something straight first of all. I am very VERY happy for my friends who have gotten pregnant quickly and recently. I'm so glad they don't have to endure the pain that I and many more women have to. I truly am thrilled or them. Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes. Do I get jealous of them? Yes. Do I covet what they have? Yes. Am I unhappy for them? No. Someone told me about a week or so ago that I am being selfish in how I feel and on my outlook. I quickly pointed out to them that while yes I could probably change my outlook on it and be less bitter, which is harder than they seem to grasp by the way, I don't understand how I am being selfish. I am willing to give up my body for a human being to grow inside of. I am willing to vomit my guts up for my child to live inside of me for 9 months. I am willing to sacrifice my dreams and my life to raise my children and give them a comfortable and happy life. I don't believe that is selfish. Now, if it is please let me know so that I may correct myself.
One last thing. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. While yes I am going through a difficult trial right now and it is hard for me, I am not fragile. Don't feel the need if you are pregnant to get my approval. I can assure you that I am happy for you and will support you all the way! Don't worry about blindsiding me or feeling the need to tell me first because you are worried about me. It's not about me! It's about you and the precious life you and your spouse have just created. Don't worry about me. Worry about being healthy and happy! I am happy for you and I love you! Yes, I might cry and be angry but it's not because of you. It's not your fault. Do not feel bad. My feelings are about me and the anger towards my body. Not you. So please just know that I am thrilled for you. Truly, I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)