Infertility

I have decided to write a post directed to infertility. To kind of give some people an insight on how it feels to be a person that can not conceive without help or possibly can not conceive at all. I've been debating about writing this for a while because I can't speak for everyone. But I can speak from my experience and how I feel being a woman suffering from infertility.

For those of you who don't know I have been diagnosed with PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which is a disorder that causes you not to release a mature egg each month (aka ovulation) so it forms a cyst instead. It mimics diabetes because you are insulin resistant. So I have been deemed infertile because I am unable to conceive without medical help.

I've heard infertility being called a "silent epidemic" Women and also men, yes there are men out there who do suffer from infertility, are reluctant to tell anyone about their infertility for lots of reasons, but when they keep it inside, they suffer alone. Infertility is a lonely place. It is a huge struggle that if you're not willing to share or confront that can be more than devastating. I have a spouse by my side who is unfortunately also suffering from this, even though he is not infertile and perfectly healthy, and I still feel alone sometimes. Not because he hasn't been there for me because he has. He has been my rock and my shoulder to cry on during this whole thing and I have for him on some days when he can't be strong for the both of us.

Why is infertility so hard? Here are some summarized reasons as to why:

If you are undergoing infertility treatment, your heart and soul aches for a baby. And I mean aches. Your heart is ripped to shreds every month when your hopes are up and then you find out that another month of your life has passed without your dream becoming a reality.

Your body is completely invaded. You are prodded, poked, inspected....every month. Sometimes every week. I've had my blood drawn. I've had cultures. I've had Transvaginal ultrasounds. Not my idea of a fun time people. Not at all.

You can become bitterly jealous, angry, and even resentful. I have to check myself at the door every so often. It's no one's fault that I'm not able to get pregnant. If I'm having a difficult day it will seem like every woman I see is pregnant or has a new born baby. I want to ask people sometimes, "did you even have to try?" or, "do you know what it's like to have your heart wrecked every single month?" On a really hard day, I'll just close the door or lay on my couch, put my head in my hands, and just cry until I'm numb.

People don't know what to say or they don't even know and they come across as insensitive. Everyone is sure that they have the answer or the "magic cure" that will help you have a baby, but no amount of vacationing can heal this particular medical condition. If you are battling infertility, try to have a little grace for people you thinks are being insensitive. I know I have to remind myself to give them a pass because even though I feel like they're intentionally being the biggest most insensitive jerk in the world, lol, they're really not. They don't know. So have grace for them and I'm sure they'll have a little grace for you when you have your bitter moments.

It seems sooo unfair. If you know you would be a good mother (or if you're battling with secondary infertility and know you are a good mother). If your heart yearns for a lot of children, a big family, that you can love and nurture. I fyou know that you will do your best to teach your children how to be productive, respectful, loving, empathetic, adorable little creatures. If you see people around you who don't appreciate their children. Then you start to wonder how life can just be so unfair. Why you got handed the crap card in this particular area. You're a good person right?

People just don't understand. Unless people go through it or until they do, heaven forbid, they don't get it. You WANT people to understand, but you would never wish this torment on anyone, not even your worst enemy. So you suffer alone so that you won't seem whiney and depressed.

It is an emotional roller coaster. Ever month, you go through stages of grief just in the nick of time to come out on the other side and be hopeful again. Even optimistic. And every month, your hope is thrashed. You realize that you are-once again- just as far from holding your new precious baby as you were last month...or last year.

It's hard on your marriage. Dallas and I have a solid marriage, and we have had moments of just-not-on-the-same-page because of infertility. It's not easy to hold each other up when you're just so tired from holding yourself up.

You find yourself ignoring the happy announcements of other people. "We weren't even trying!" "We're having our 12th baby! Yay! We are so fertile!" or "I know we just had a baby yesterday, but we're PREGNANT AGAIN!"........Some days are always harder than others, but during this journey, I have learned a few important things:

1. Family is not a number. No matter how many children Dallas and I have or if we have children, our family started the day we sat across from each other at the alter and became husband and wife. No matter how many children we have, our family has been complete since March 5th, 2010.

2. I am not alone. Every time I open up about this on here or to someone in person, I hear a story like mine. I am fortunate enough to have a few people who are going through or have been through the same thing. We call, text, or talk on facebook quite frequently.

3. There is hope. When things can't get any darker, they can only get brighter from there.

If you are facing infertility, I pray with all my soul that you will have as many children as you want and that your days of waiting for your precious miracle are numbered. I pray the same thing for myself. I know what it feels like to cry or yell or scream when someone updates their facebook status with, "Hey, GUESS WHAT?!", and I KNOW what it feels like to mourn someone who never was. I know that no one really and truly understands what you're going through...and I hope and pray they NEVER do. I know the very last things you want to hear are, "if you stop thinking about it and/or adopt you'll get pregnant...I have an aunt/dog/cousin/co worker/hairstylist who did it that way!" and "Don't worry, this is all part of God's plan." I have become an expert on smiling and nodding when someone asks, "Aren't you guys going to have kids soon?" Intense desire for something coupled with the inability to fulfill that desire is life's most painful combination. I truly am so thankful for what I have. I don't deserve a lot of good things in my life. But "deserving" and "desiring" are two different things.

I've already talked about in one of my posts that I don't want pity. I most definitely don't want to ruin anyone's happiness when they're getting ready to welcome a new little one into the world. I certainly don't want people walking on eggshells around me because of what I'm going through. I'd much rather hear, "This really sucks...I'm so sorry." than anything else anyone could say.

I guess we wouldn't appreciate the good things in life if we didn't have go through the bad things. No one wants to endure painful trials, but we all do and unfortunately that's part of living in this world. And assuming we make it through, we all come out with tougher skin on the other side, even though there may be a few battle scars. Every piece of my infertility struggle has been a personal nightmare. After each moment has passed, I realize how much stronger I have become and that's it's going to be ok. Hellish as it is. Infertility is not my story, but it's a part of my story. Hopefully a part of my story that will only be a painful memory and that I will be able to chase our little children around until I'm old and gray.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for praying. And thanks for the support.

So, it turns out there's more

No, not more symptoms. More wrong with me. Isn't that a joyful thing to hear?? Turns out high insulin levels cause high testosterone and estrogen. Oh no wait! It get's better, I'm not ovulating again! My progesterone levels went down so the likelihood of my being pregnant this month is very slim. So those who told me it was too soon for me to have symptoms you were right. Turns out it was because my hormones are once again a BIG GIANT MESS! I'm not done, I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome aka PCOS. I'm going to get a second opinion but I know it will just be the same thing so I don't know if it's worth it. So I have a 90% chance of having endometriosis and I have PCOS. What's PCOS? Click here and you'll find out. It's AWESOME! So they're putting me on a stricter regimen and I need to better my diet and exercise which I'm fine with. It's just who KNOWS how long it's going to take now!!! And, if it doesn't work then clomid. If that doesn't work surgery. If that doesn't work IVF. And IF THAT doesn't work than adoption. I know stuff like this happens to a lot of people but you never think it could happen to you. I always had this hope that I would get pregnant easily and on my own. Not take forever and have to get extra help! I hate that I'm not in complete control of my body right now. It's making me crazy. I did more research and PCOS is manageable if you are on a strict regimen but it's still discouraging. Pam told me not to get discouraged and we'll get this fixed. But it's hard not too when every single month you find out that something new is wrong with you! They work with the top fertility doctor in Utah so they'll send me to him if they need to but for now they're just getting some opinions from him on what to do with me. It's fun. :). I know Dallas doesn't feel this way because we talked about if there was a possibility that I had issues and we couldn't conceive would it change things. We talked about this before we got married and he said no because we would adopt and it would be just as great. But I still don't want to make him miss out on the opportunity to be a father to his own children when he's perfectly healthy and his wife is all messed up! It just breaks my heart. But if this is as manageable as what I've read and based on what Pam said than it make take a few more months or years but it can be possible. I could really use some prayers right now because I broke down when I left. It took all of my power not to break down in the middle of her office. They suspected PCOS from the beginning but I convinced myself I didn't have it but, now they tell me I definitely do and it sucks. But, anyway I just thought I would update everyone. Please pray for us. We could really use it right now.

Just a quick update...

Well I got the results for my blood work and culture yesterday. The culture was to see if, yes folks TMI again, I had a bacterial infection and thankfully it came back negative! HOORAY! So, they were checking my insulin, estrogen, DHEA, and Vitamin D. They were checking some other stuff but I don't remember and it's not that important because they were fine anyway haha. Oh yeah! One was for my thyroid and they said I have a little hypothyroidism  (or was it hyper?), but it wasn't bad enough for them to worry about it. So my estrogen looks good! YAY! But my insulin is a little high. Now, I didn't ask if that meant that I was pre-diabetic or not so let's hope that's not the case. But they want to put me on this supplement that will lower it so that's good! My DHEA and Vitamin D haven't come in yet so I don't know on those. I'm sure my DHEA will be fine. Apparently it's a natural hormone your body produces to reverse or slow aging and my family age's really well so I'm not concerned lol. Also, I have been RELIGIOUS in taking my Vitamin D 5000 IU's so I'm not concerned about that either. So the mystery remains. What are these crazy symptoms from?? Now I have some new ones. Not only did I eat a pickle for breakfast....WHAT?!....but my back has been KILLING me and I have been having these weird vivid dreams. Last night I had a dream that I was about to run over a deer and then the deer turned into a bear and then the bear and some wolves, that appeared out of nowhere, tried to eat Dallas and I. We escaped and went to a church building and there were zombies in the church building and they tried to eat us. I don't know. It was really complicated and made NO sense and it terrified me! When I woke up I had to look around several times to realize I was in our room.

My desire to have a child has grown. I didn't know that was even possible at this point haha. But Dallas came home really upset because another girl in our ward announced her pregnancy. He said, "There is not one single person around us that isn't pregnant." It broke my heart. He hasn't really shown any emotion towards this whole situation but I've known he really wants a baby too. I catch him smiling and then frowning when he see's little babies or his expression hardening when people start discussing their lives being pregnant or having a child. But this was different. When you want a house you save up money and get it. Same for a car, or a new phone. But when you want a baby you just do what you can and hope it worked because you have no control over whether it does or doesn't. I just really want this to be the month for us. If it's not then I will understand and continue to be patient. But if this is the month for us then I will be overjoyed! I pray that it is! It's so hard not to get my hopes up with these crazy symptoms that I'm having but I can't really help it.

Please continue to pray for us. If not for a baby then to be able to continue to endure this hardship. We love you all. :)

Weirdest Month Ever....

I have been having the weirdest things going on with my body and it's driving me a little crazy cause I'm not 100% sure as to what's causing them. Just so you know this may be a little TMI, so if there are boys reading my blog you may want to cover your eyes :). My boobs started hurting and feeling heavy on like the 4th of this month which I thought was odd and they've gotten progressively worse as days go by. Now today, the 9th, I am on day 18 of my cycle. My boobs don't start hurting until like day 24 of my cycle. So, I am slightly confused. Pam at the Health Spot believes it may be due to high estrogen levels (Oh, wouldn't that be a treat?!) but I have been diligent in taking my supplements and shake. But who knows. I got blood drawn AGAIN yesterday (7 viles btw) and I get the results today so we'll see what happens with that. Also, I have been EXHAUSTED. I'm thinking maybe it's because of work but then again, I work at a Credit Union for crying out loud! That shouldn't make me feel like I need to use clothespins to keep my eyes open right? I have also had to pee a lot more. The WEIRDEST thing happened on Friday night. I felt like I had to pee literally every second. To me all signs pointed to UTI. But then again it didn't hurt when I peed. I would go pee and then it just felt like I still needed to. Poor Dallas, I spent most of dinner in the bathroom while he sat there waiting for me lol. He asked me like 5 times "Are you pregnant?" I was like, "Pffh, I know as much as you sweetums!" Lol. But it was ridiculous! I would run to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was full to the brim only to have a few little trickles! It was so obnoxious! I told Dallas to take me home and I got in the bathtub hoping to maybe try to relax some muscles in there or do something to make it stop and luckily it worked. I have also been really bloated and (TMI) gassy and slightly constipated. Dallas took one look at me like a week ago and said, "Honey are you ok? You look like you're getting ready to start your period. Are you drinking enough water?" I drink water like it's candy so ya I'm good on that. I looked in the mirror and saw what he was seeing. What the heck?? Normally I don't bloat until my period is like a few days away! And, gross, I've been passing so much gas lately once again the famous question from Dallas, "Bre, are you pregnant?" Lol, oh what a cutie. He keeps asking me this question that I don't have the answer to. I'm hoping that this is all pregnancy related. That would be wonderful! But, I can't get my hopes up every month. So, I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm trying to not read into it all too much (isn't it obvious ;)). But, at the same time I can't really help it. My body is screaming at me! Lol. But, if it turns out that my hormone levels are once again off then I guess we'll know the answer to that question.  If they're not, then the mystery continues until the 22nd! It just made me nervous because Pam brought up that she wants Dallas and I to start saving up for IVF after December because it's expensive and may be a possibility for us. I told her I don't want to start worrying about that until I've been trying for two years. She's so sweet though. She's desperate to get me pregnant. I have prayed about it a lot though and I honestly don't feel like it will get to that point. I don't really feel like it'll get to the point of surgery either. But only time will tell. If not this month then here's to next month! :)